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June 30, 2005
Selected recent events
Saturday: the house recoiled in shock and horror, the cat said "screw this" and retired to the patio, as I scrubbed and cleaned and cooked and chopped and basically did a pretty scary amount of work just to bring the house up to a barely-presentable level of clean and welcoming, in order to host a party-planning meeting. We are having a party in July. At my place! Which means, so much more scrubbing, etc. to do. I am growing increasingly concerned about the number of people that may attend, and where exactly they will all fit. But I suppose that is one of those things I should omit from the worry list, since what are you going to do?
Sunday: I attended a sneak preview of Undead, a seriously misleadingly advertised zombie movie (U.S. ad campaign: grim, serious, 28 Days Later-esque postapocalyptic survival horror. Actual movie: campy, funny, self-mocking B-movie throwback. I fucking hate it when studios do this. It's a good movie! Why lie about what it is, especially in light of the success of Shaun of the Dead, which this movie much more closely resembles if you simply must fit it into some sort of Familiar Product category, which I suppose you must?)
After the movie, I experienced the most hilarious, embarrassing Q&A ever. The adorable Spierig brothers were not the problem - it was the audience. My fellow horror geeks sweated and muttered to themselves, each pale with the effort of proving that his obscure movie kung-fu was the best. Ever more tangential connections were made, ever less attention was paid to the movie we were allegedly discussing or its increasingly bemused production team, as the crowd strained to bring forth the most esoteric knowledge they could. Favorite quotes include:
A Spierig brother, about ten questions in, with a puzzled and slightly mocking tone: "Let me ask you guys a question...how many film students are here tonight?"
Some guy sitting near the back: "Have you ever seen Tombs of the Blind Dead?"
A Spierig: "Sure!"
Some guy (with a tone of triumph befitting an Olympic medalist): "Awesome! No one's ever heard of that!!"
The crowd: Sounds of violent protest, as if they had been accused of not knowing how to add one-digit integers, or how to put their pants on frontwards.
Somehow, in the midst of all this obscurity-measuring, I answered a trivia question and won a poster! (I think the question, "What was the last zombie movie to play at this theater?" was too easy. Everyone else was locked into Things Other People Have Never Heard of Before mode, so the aforementioned Shaun of the Dead was just too obvious.)
Wednesday: I played hooky from work, exaggerating a mild ailment that I really could have taken in for the day. Some realtors visited our already-filthy-again apartment, much to my dismay: I prefer to be out of the way while people are smirking at last night's dirty dishes and the terrible state of the carpet, thanks, instead of contributing to the sense of general decline by sitting there unshowered, in a house dress, with my bangs sticking up all funny, at one in the afternoon. I was futzing around with the accursed spam comment thing, hoping that it looked like I was doing something much more responsible and important and justifying of not having left the house yet today, because...yeah. I'm sure they were fooled. Me and Carl, we work outta da home. Why I care, I do not know, but there you are.
Today: I am considering starting a movie blog, because a) it would be nice to collect all that stuff in one place, b) and get it off here, where it is sort of out of place, and c) I desperately need another project to neglect and feel guilty about, don't you think? So: if you were to read such a thing, what would you want it to be called? I've got exactly no ideas.
Posted by hilatron at 11:31 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
June 27, 2005
Excuse me, Miss, do you have ID?
Sorry for the hassle, but I have to do something about the freaking spam. Commenters must now either a) register with Typepad, or b) wait for me to approve your comment before it is posted. Lord how I hate those texas hold 'em bastards.
To register with Typepad, go here or click on "Comment" below, try to post, and get bounced to the correct page, as you wish. I hope you will love me despite my rigorous security measures.
Posted by hilatron at 04:16 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
Phone Call
Good evening, madam. I was wondering if I might take a moment of your time? You're not busy getting the kids breakfast or anything?
Wonderful, wonderful. I'm so glad you have time to listen to this exciting offer from Ghoul Industries. I'm calling to introduce you to Vampire Today, a brand-new lifestyle magazine serving the needs of the modern family vamp. That's right, Ghoul Industries, your trusted publisher of WereWeek and The Creepy Report, is finally filling the lack of undead-focused monthlies with Vampire Today!
Thank you, ma'am. We had hoped that this glossy new full-size magazine would be of interest to vamps just like you. Let me tell you a little bit about what you can find within Vampire Today's full-color, illustrated pages. Things like:
Decorating tips: wouldn't you like to see some of the "101 Uses for Human Skulls" featured in this month's Bloodsucking Pennypincher column?
Yes, really, a full 101 different ideas! Amazing, isn't it? And I'm sure you'll agree that every vampire would like to improve her homemaking skills. Every month, we publish helpful hints that will help you become the domestic demon you've always wanted to be! This month, for example, step up your stalking with our "13 New and Exciting Ruses to Land Humans In Your Lair." Never rely on a hackneyed old lost dog or dubious business proposition again!
It's bathing-suit season, and the light of the full moon is just unforgiving to those few extra pounds, am I right? Ha-ha. It's the perfect time to employ this month's delicious, low-calorie recipes for blood pudding, Icebox Organ Loaf, plasma smoothies and more! They're so tasty, your family won't know the difference!
Vampire Today offers much more than comprehensive cooking, cleaning and homemaking coverage, though. We know that a young undead family is looking for entertainment, and we aim to provide it. Submit your own humorous stories to our "Hunting Hilarity" and "Madcap Mortals" columns, and if we pick your tale for publication, we'll send you your own messenger bat to run errands, act as a harbinger of your arrival, or generally do your evil bidding! In our Listings section, we keep track of midnight screenings and poorly policed neighborhoods, not to mention blood orgies, flight training for the little ones, and other vamp gatherings across the nation.
Of course, we all know there's a serious side to the vampire life. In this month's featured article, read the harrowing tale of Irma Johnson, whose entire family nearly perished in a daylight-savings mishap, and learn of her courageous sacrifice and inspiring recovery. Each month in Vampire Today, we'll be bringing you a compelling vamp-interest story every bit as moving as Irma's!
Now, ma'am, can I interest you in your very own subscription to Vampire Today? We're currently offering a three-month trial subscription, after which you'll be charged our discount rate of just ten pints of virgin or twenty pints of regular blood for a full twelve months. That's twelve issues of Vampire Today, PLUS our special All Hallow's Eve double issue packed with holiday travel destinations, decorating ideas, torture & terror tips, and more. That's a savings of 60% off the cover price! May I sign you up for a trial subscription today?
Very good. Now, after confirming your address, I'll just need you to let me know if you prefer standard delivery by shambling human minion, or express delivery by giant bat for an extra charge of only...
Posted by hilatron at 02:36 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
June 22, 2005
So I don't think I've mentioned here that I'm looking forward to an across-the-board real estate upgrade: in addition to the upcoming apartment move*, my work is expanding their space and I will be moving into an office as opposed to the...nook? alcove? divot? I currently inhabit. This is very exciting, except that whenever I ask my betters when the move is likely to happen they get this sort of shifty look and start talking about carpeting. I understand that to make a time estimate about anything involving construction is to invite the wrath of the gods, but I would really appreciate a ballpark idea of how much longer I'll have to go on not STABBING THE HECK OUT OF the person to whom my alnoovot is adjacent. It is getting harder and harder, and I ask you, could you resist enacting a little vigilante justice against a person whose crimes include:
-Whistling Under the Influence...of classical music, or, more recently, what you refer to as "Alternative Pop" on WFNX, meaning that in addition to the whistling I now have to listen to that one Killers song like 50 times per hour
-Reckless (and Arrhythmic) Finger-Tapping
-Talking While Chewing
-The Conducting of Meetings Where You Sit Slightly In Front of Me and to My Left, While the Second Person Sits Slightly Behind Me and to My Right, and You Both Shout Over My Head At Each Other
-The Treating of the Telephone As Though It Were Not in Fact a Piece of Advanced Technology, But a Sort of a Cup-and-String Affair Into Which You Must Shout Boomingly (Often While Chewing)
-Slurpy Sipping
-Overly Frequent and Extraordinarily Loud Nut-Eating
-Melodramatic Sighing
-Strange and Seemingly Subconscious Grunting, Groaning and Ahem-ing
-Overly Vigorous Keyboard and Calculator Usage
-Sundry Non-Specific Auditory Offenses
-Turning Off the Air-Conditioning When You Leave Early, Like What Am I, Invisible?
*Perhaps I have not mentioned? That we are moving? And that I hate moving? And that we are one tchotchke away from a Collyer Brothers-style meltdown? And that there is nowhere to put the boxes? And help?
Posted by hilatron at 11:12 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
June 13, 2005
Three Cheers!
Hooray for the newly-wed Agent C and DQ! I had such a good time on Saturday that a) real life seems a little drab today, and b) I feel sort of guilty. Were we really supposed to have that much fun?
Anyway, to CQ and DQ, who were so thronged by admirers that I hardly got to say this to you face to face: here's wishing you all the best, kids. You're spectacular!
Posted by hilatron at 09:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
June 08, 2005
Um, Hello.
Oops. I am supposed to be writing things here, no? Unfortunately, I have been vitally occupied lately with the all-consuming task of being as LAME as can BE. I have been working a lot, slumping around in the rain, followed by grumping around in the hot and the sun, and being like the worst employee ever how DO I stay employed???, and flopping crankily around at home, going through my belongings in preparation for the move and keeping far too many of them. So many. So much stuff. What is wrong with us? Help help! So, it is probably just as well for you that I have refrained from commiting any of this to the page, as it were.
I am in a bit of a Catch-22 with a Dad issue, which I can only find amusing at this point. I received a letter from Medicaid to the effect that they received a change of address from the post office, listing my dad's address as mine. Even though for the past year they have retained the distinction that my dad resides at X address in New Hampshire, but his mail is sent c/o me, at X address in Massachusetts. Why this happened at all, and why now, I do not know, but you know that's going to be trouble somewhere down the line what with the different states and the rigid bureaucracies and all.
So: I call, and Medicaid tells me that actually they receive all their address change notifications from Social Security, not the post office, and that is all they know, and they cannot do a thing. So I call Social Security...and first of all, talk about your waiting on hold. Did you know that sometimes, Social Security will not even let you hold? The recorded lady will just tell you that the call volume is too high, and please try again later, and then CLICK, YOU'RE DONE??? Yeah. At any rate, eventually I get to speak to an actual real-live human, or at least the best simulation they can offer, and in order to confirm that it is okay to talk to me they need his date of birth, mother's maiden name, city of birth...oh shit. CITY of birth? For real?
So I get that and call back, and get through the script past city of birth, and then they are all "and his shoe size?" and I am like "huh?" and now I am getting testy, because dude could have told me I would need that the last time I called, and I ask them for the whoooole list of information that I need, and I collect it all, and call back, and give them the list, and one of the things that I need to tell them is the current address that statements are being sent to, which, ha-ha, is his last independent-living address, from over a year ago, oops. Except it's even better than that, because they were sending the statements to an address that is not actually the address that he was living at a year ago. They had the street number wrong. But my approximation of the address, and my general familiarity with all the other information, will not do, even though the lady clearly believes me and keeps saying encouraging things like, "You've almost got it...are you sure you don't remember a different number?" Um. How can I "remember" a wrong number?
So: I do not have the right wrong former address of my father's, and they cannot talk to me without it, and they cannot of course tell me what the wrong address is, because I am supposed to be able to tell it to them to verify my up-and-up-itude, except that I only know his actual, right, former address, which they do not have, and so on. I briefly considered calling and trying variations on the street number, but then figured that that would be like when you mistype your password too many times and get booted, except in this case "get booted" turns into "get visited by Federal agents," which doesn't sound like a lot of fun.
And with all this, we haven't even started working on the whole concept of how my dad resides at one address, but please send all his mail to me, because otherwise it will undoubtedly go to wherever all my dad's pants keep going at the nursing home, BUT, remember, the mailing address is not even in the same state as the residential address, so no sneaky changing tax rates or benefits, yeah? That should be fun.
I am trying not to think about why, when I was doing the Dad's taxes way back in 2004, I was able to get them to send the 1099 to me without all this nonsense, or why I got the 1099 (send to Dad, care of me, just like I asked) just fine this year, or why the 1099 transaction involved me sending them a copy of the guardianship papers, but in the latest round of calls I was informed that "Social Security does not recognize guardianship or powers of attorney," or, for that matter, why the address issue did not get some action during the whole 1099 thing in the first place. Because when I do that, things go a little fuzzy and my next thought is usually along the lines of high-powered rifles and martial arts training.
Hey, ha, hee-hee! Just kidding. Nice Federal agents. Love your work!
Posted by hilatron at 11:05 AM