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August 28, 2003
Vrrrroooooom
My motor has been running a bit slow this past month - I believe that all power was diverted from nonessential functions (watching TV, sleeping, breathing, bitching, oh wait those last two are the same thing ha ha) in order to power the Tiki Generator. However, this morning I am feeling springy. Too much caffeine? The sassy little finger-snapping chill in the air when I woke up this morning, promising fall is on its way? A touch of the manic? Whatever the cause, I am refreshed, revived, abuzz with enthusiasm for old projects and awash in ideas for new ones.
I have always been like this: periods of torpor are followed by jolts of energy, like they started to make me bipolar but then forgot to add the necessary activating enzyme, so the effect is diluted by a billion. And although I got off lucky, it can be a bit annoying. The plug-awayers seem to have it easy in so many ways: so much follow-through, so much completist satisfaction, so linear and clean. Meanwhile, I flit about. There's no way to keep up with all the things I want to do: even if I remained in my perky state indefinitely, I couldn't keep up with the interests and ideas. But I like to think that this mode of functioning is necessary, and has its positive aspects. I like to tell myself that these periods of rest are important, that they provide a new vitality to half-completed tasks. And for those projects that don't make it into the next round of endeavor, well, maybe they weren't compelling enough to be worth my time. Maybe I am practicing a sort of creative Darwinism that will eventually result in the evolution of the Best Thing Ever. Maybe so. Who can say?
The theme for today is: Let's Get Started.
Posted by hilatron at 10:53 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 27, 2003
Where Credit is Due
Work is totally crazy, so of course I needed to update my blog links today. Here are the updated lists, including a list of the kind people who link to Blogatron, because what was I? Raised by bears or something? not to say thank you for all the referrals. If I've missed you, it's probably because I like to post things before I test them, but why not drop me a line, just in case, so I can add you to the ranks.
Posted by hilatron at 12:58 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Suggestion, Question, Statement, Lament
Suggestion
Note to dream self: Girl, don't even think about taking those hash...cookie...sandwich...things to work with you. It might seem like a funny idea now, but you just know it'll all end in tears.
Question
In the manner of a heavy-handed off-Broadway play: I walk onstage, wearing a housecoat with two buttons missing. I hold my coconuts aloft and I shout: "What should I do with these coconuts? What -- do -- you" [I point and glare at audience] "want -- me -- to -- do??" I drop the coconuts and whisper, "I have always been terrified of coconuts. The menacing bristly skin, the milk that is not milk, the only fruit you need a hammer to open. If life hands me coconuts, must I make lemonade? And, if so, do you know of any good recipes?"
Statement
Murray is *thump* without a doubt *Prrrrow?* the world's most effective alarm clock *smash*.
Lament
Why must he always go for me? Never Josh?
Posted by hilatron at 07:53 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
August 26, 2003
What do you mean I can't drink Mai Tais at work?
It already seems so long ago: Tiki party pictures here.
Posted by hilatron at 07:31 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
August 25, 2003
You slacker!
I have been treating The Leisure Agency in an extremely haphazard fashion lately, much to my regret. Lucky for me, an army of Agents is on the ball and keeping things going. Please go here for the latest news, courtesy of Agent PerfectChild.
Posted by hilatron at 03:20 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
August 24, 2003
Tiki
Feet hurt. Tummy full. Lost track of the Mai Tais. Glad I got a sliver of the pineapple upside-down cake while it lasted. If you weren't at our place tonight you are sooooo sorry. Best party ever.
The decorations are definitely staying up.
Posted by hilatron at 03:26 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
August 22, 2003
Question of the Day
"So, I'm guessing I shouldn't line the floor with dirty naked sluts?"
--Josh, 8/22/03, c. 1:30 p.m.
Posted by hilatron at 02:31 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
Luxuries I Would Like to Have
-On my next job search, the freedom to skip over any listing that includes "ability to multitask" among its requirements.
-All new underwear.
-A space to throw parties where the guests do not need to navigate desks, computer equipment, music gear and litter boxes.
-An air conditioner that does not smell like cat pee.*
-Midafternoon naps.
-A bottomless Amazon gift certificate.
*To give the devil his due, this is one of the few domestic crises that cannot be blamed on Murray. Say what you will about him, his litter box etiquette is above reproach.
Posted by hilatron at 12:31 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
August 19, 2003
She looks good. By comparison. I think.
I am having a peevish and insecure week so far, a condition due to one part financial inadequacy, one part guilt for engaging in frivolous spending this weekend, and 6 parts the fact that my work week started off all wrong yesterday, with me wearing pants that fit everywhere except in the crotch. Instead of curving around, they apparently decided it would be better to cut a straight diagonal line from waist to butt. And I always forget that about these pants, until I am halfway to work, and then I spend the rest of the day doing the Downward Leg Tug. This is not conducive to self-confidence or a pleasant demeanor.
Today, thankfully, none of my clothes are touching me inappropriately. Yesterday's mood lingers, however, and the eye that I cast upon my lifestyle is a critical one. In the past twenty-four hours I have gone from "harrumph" to "my God, do other people live like this?" A sour little part of me simultaneously envies others their imagined carefree, neat and tidy, comfortably clothed lives, and hopes that this is all a sham and that everyone is as plagued by trivial and unrelenting inconveniences as I am. And, you know, I have this place where I can expose all my neuroses, so what the hell? Why not spill the whole mess? Maybe it will relieve my low-level grouchiness somewhat. I would like to know:
If I stop attempting to entertain you with allegedly humorous supposed essays, but instead just start posting things like "Worked today. It was boring." and "Pants too tight. Ugh." all the time, will you still love me?
Is your bathroom floor covered in hair, too?
You don't really clean your kitchen counters very often, do you? You let little crumbs and grease smears sit on them for days at a time, right?
Are you capable of looking at your cat's dishes, and seeing an entire metropolis of ants circling the numerous bits of food that are spilled all around them, building little factories and movie theaters out of the dirt that he has tracked in on his patio-to-food express trips, organizing whole new levels of ant society with their own government and everything, building tiny weapons of mass destruction and plotting a floor-to-cupboard transport system, and thinking, "Hmmm. Well. Okay then," and then just leaving the dishes as you found them without so much as a backward glance, too?
No one really irons, or has truly white socks. And let's not even talk about saggy old underpants. Who's with me?
I can't be the only person who carefully saves all the recycling and then invariably forgets to put it out on Monday night and it just stacks up in the kitchen in bags and around the sink until you think you are going to go stark raving mad from all the damn garbanzo bean cans and you end up just chucking it in the dumpster half the time. Can I?
And surely I am not alone in claiming that I cannot afford to go to the dentist to have them look at my Suspicious Molar, but then turning around and purchasing wholly unnecessary carpet bags.
Speaking of carpets, if yours was beige, I'm sure it would be as dirty as mine, right?
And you have embraced the concept of credit card debt as budgeting system?
And you bitch about people in stores providing poor service, but spend approximately 97% of your desk-job time slacking off?
If I talk a good game about how I wish that I could find a way to make a living doing something "creative and challenging," but then choose to spend sixty percent of my free time playing Mah Jong solitaire, well, I'm certain that I am not unique.
And I know without even asking that most of you join me in bitching about how bad TV is these days but still spend two hours a week watching "Paradise Hotel."
And I'll bet that you, too, are sometimes so needy that you must make a public plea for someone to come along and tell you, "There, there. It's all right. We're all just as lazy, filthy and hypocritical as you are. No one expects better of you - in fact, we're jealous that you are able to get out of bed without hurting yourself on a fairly regular basis. Here's a medal for tying your shoes!"
Right?
Posted by hilatron at 01:58 PM | Comments (8)
August 17, 2003
In the Red
This weekend's theme: "Let's pretend we have disposable income!"
The Garment District
Instead of the hot-mama cocktail dress I had hoped to find for our upcoming tiki party, I ended up with a very practical cotton sundress which can be worn to work and things. This is why I had to celebrate my sensible buying power with a carpet bag and wooly fall pants.
Freddy vs. Jason
Excellent trashy fun for slasher movie fans, leaving the door open for innumerable sequels (of course). Providing further proof that the critics are a bunch of sour pusses. The sound the audience made during the teaser scene at the very end was the distillation of pure joy. I felt the tears well up, I tell you.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension
If the desktop of your computer asks "What Would Buckaroo Do?" missing an opportunity to see this classic on the big screen is simply not an option. Confidential to the two girls in the back row: I am curious. Did you actually buy a ticket for the sole purpose of sitting in the theater conversing and giggling? This would explain why, when I asked you to please keep it down, you left the theater rather than just shut up and watch the movie. Very perplexing.
A shout-out to New Line Cinema
Even Freddy vs. Jason is not good enough to make up for this sacrilege. You filthy hack rat bastard vulture losers, what possessed you? I hope I speak for horror movie geeks everywhere when I say, ptui. Your pallid retread will never replace the gloriously grim, cheap, ugly, unrelenting original in my eyes. For shame!
Posted by hilatron at 06:20 PM | Comments (1)
August 15, 2003
The requisite birthday post
I know it's traditional to wax introspective on blogversaries, and talk about What This Has Meant to Me and stuff. But instead I plan to sleep for as many hours as possible, then go in search of cough supressant to help get me through Freddy vs. Jason without annoying the highbrow and discriminating audience which that film will attract. So you're out of/in luck. I hereby give you an excuse to go drinking tonight, so you can lift your glass in toast to the fact that I've done this for a whole dang year. Later, fools!
Posted by hilatron at 12:11 AM | Comments (4)
August 12, 2003
Off-Season
The English language is a fickle mistress. Take, for example, the use of the word "summer" in common phrases. "Summer house." "Summer fling." The connotation is clear: these items are less substantial, less meaningful, smaller and easier to clean than the Real Thing. Something fun and frivolous that the privileged get to add to their leisurely lives.
This is why the Summer Cold that is currently making my life unpleasant seems so unfair. It means business. It is in no way less of a hassle than your typical winter cold. In fact, I venture to say that it might even be worse: since Boston is currently suffering from a humid spell nearly as bad as New York's, I seem to have lost track of where my suffering ends and the world begins. The moisture that permeates every aspect of our lives seems simply to have crawled into my sinuses. As I am sweaty without, so I am snotty within. Moving, even the least little bit, now results in a drippy nose and wheezy cough that parallel the customary torrent of sweat. There's no part of me that is free from some kind of unattractive fluid assault.
I have no pretty way to wrap this up; I really just wanted to warn you that entries may be sparse while I battle the mucousy terror. Gotta rest up, get all better for the upcoming premiere of Freddy Vs. Jason, which coincidentally falls on Blogatron's birthday. Oh, don't be silly. No need to get us anything much. Well, if you really want to pick up a little something...
P.S. Note to mom: NO, it is not SARS, or West Nile Virus. No it's not. Because I just know, that's why!
Posted by hilatron at 06:31 PM | Comments (3)
August 11, 2003
And not the glamorous kind, either, but the crazy old lady kind.
I have once again managed to give myself Bette Davis Bangs. When will I learn?
Posted by hilatron at 09:40 AM | Comments (2)
August 09, 2003
Wait, is this me? I can't tell.
Must-see linkage at Metafilter: digital retouching of models exposed, sure to make women (and women) and men feel better.
Okay, well, first there was "HA-ha!" and then my higher brain functions kicked in and I thought things like "This makes me feel better, and teenagers should look at it." My id! Cannot be stopped!
Posted by hilatron at 03:30 PM
August 06, 2003
A Tip for the Gentlemen
You know that thing some of you do? That thing where you see a girl, standing by herself, grooving to the music a little but not really dancing, and you think, "Man, that chick looks like she needs to be getting down!" and so you move all up on her, and start kind of grinding against her, very softly at first so that she thinks someone is bumping into her until she realizes that, whoa, someone is doing that on purpose, a total stranger is, in fact, freaking her from the back, so she turns around, and there you stand with that smirky little oh-so-ironic one-sided smile and your pelvis gyrating in the space recently vacated by the girl's ass, and you say: "Hey, you should be dancing! If you're not going to dance, get off the dance floor!" You know that thing?
DON'T DO THAT. SERIOUSLY. I WILL CUT YOU.
Codicils:
1) It's not (necessarily) that girls don't want to dance with you. It's that we don't, for the most part, respond well to being snuck up on. Approach from the front, and give us the opportunity to decide for ourselves whether we want to interact with your pelvis. You will be amazed at the positive reaction this gesture of respect will elicit, for both you and your pelvis.
2) Yes, I am aware that most men don't do this. You are all in the clear. Please allow 6-8 weeks for your Hilatron Seal of Approval to arrive in the mail.
3) It is often acceptable for you to freak girls you already know from the back. For a handy guide to determining when to freak and when to refrain, please PayPal me $5.00 plus $4.95 shipping and handling for my informative pamphlet on the subject.
4) Dude. I can not dance wherever the fuck I want.
Posted by hilatron at 11:41 AM | Comments (5)
August 04, 2003
A Mile in Your Shoes, and All It Did Was Make Me More Right
Here's the deal: I hate neo-Nazis. The fact that there are people out there who spend a lot of their waking hours meditating on the fact that their race is superior to others makes me mad. The things that they say at their rallies and marches make me gag. Probably the closest I can come to a religious tenet is with a statement like: "Neo-Nazis: they're misguided people who do bad things, and I vehemently disagree with them." If I lived in Hilatronia, a tyranny of one, where I could make all the rules and no one would question me, there would be a big sign that said "No neo-Nazis allowed." There would be no marches or rallies or pamphlets for the neo-Nazis.
But I don't live in Hilatronia. I live in the United States, and the last time I checked the Constitution, one of the core foundations of my government was freedom of speech. So long as the neo-Nazis refrain from using their freedom of speech to threaten my personal safety, their right to that freedom supersedes my feelings of discomfort and distress. And that's how it should be.
The reason that I am talking about neo-Nazis is that I was trying to think of an issue or a cause that provokes the same ew-shudder-gag reaction in me that gay marriage seems to elicit from many people, including our president. I'm not equating gay people with neo-Nazis; I just wanted to see if I could put myself in the shoes of those who are so violently opposed to the idea. So I tried, and I realized that the problem I'm having with the arguments against gay marriage is that they all seem to stem from either a) belief systems or b) personal discomfort. Well, sorry guys. But like my neo-Nazi example above, living in the United States means that you have to accept certain core tenets of our shared society. One of these is that adults shall be treated equally under the law. Disagree with me if you will,* but I think that the right to enter into a contract with another consenting adult, have equal custody of children, buy property together, visit a dying partner in the hospital, etc. are legal rights that fall under the "life, liberty and pursuit of happiness" that we hold so dearly, and should be available to all American citizens who want them. Even if The Gay makes you go "yuck." Even if your religion says "no way." Even if you don't think children should be raised by gay parents. Because as I read our Constitution and Bill of Rights, none of these things takes precedence over the basic right to equality.
Nonetheless, there is a movement afoot to amend the Constitution to deny all these rights. Think about that. Amending the Constitution specifically to deny rights to a specific group of people. Not only that, but amending the Constitution to deny states' rights to define marriage, and to determine what's best for their citizens. Where is the Republican outrage over that? I thought that the Damn Liberals were the ones who threatened to interfere in peoples' private lives, and centralize power in Big Government?
The ACLU has made it easy for you to send a fax to your representatives asking them to fight against this amendment. If you are feeling ambitious, make a phone call or send a personal letter - government officials love numbers, and they have a formula for weighing the various types of correspondence they receive.
* But please, provide some CONCRETE REASONS THAT ARE NOT "EW" or "because God says" when you do so.
Posted by hilatron at 11:29 AM | Comments (12)
August 02, 2003
By request
Dear Searcher for "without bikinis:" um, I don't know. I'll try.
-Peaches (non-idiomatic type)
-Easy chairs
-Sewing machines
-Pebbles
-The board game "Clue"
-Salad tongs
-Shot glasses
-Light bulbs
-Wicker
-Bookshelves
That ought to get you started!
P.S. Two of the things in the list above are not currently to be found in my household. In case you like guessing games.
Posted by hilatron at 10:00 AM | Comments (11)