Good evening, madam. I was wondering if I might take a moment of your time? You're not busy getting the kids breakfast or anything?
Wonderful, wonderful. I'm so glad you have time to listen to this exciting offer from Ghoul Industries. I'm calling to introduce you to Vampire Today, a brand-new lifestyle magazine serving the needs of the modern family vamp. That's right, Ghoul Industries, your trusted publisher of WereWeek and The Creepy Report, is finally filling the lack of undead-focused monthlies with Vampire Today!
Thank you, ma'am. We had hoped that this glossy new full-size magazine would be of interest to vamps just like you. Let me tell you a little bit about what you can find within Vampire Today's full-color, illustrated pages. Things like:
Decorating tips: wouldn't you like to see some of the "101 Uses for Human Skulls" featured in this month's Bloodsucking Pennypincher column?
Yes, really, a full 101 different ideas! Amazing, isn't it? And I'm sure you'll agree that every vampire would like to improve her homemaking skills. Every month, we publish helpful hints that will help you become the domestic demon you've always wanted to be! This month, for example, step up your stalking with our "13 New and Exciting Ruses to Land Humans In Your Lair." Never rely on a hackneyed old lost dog or dubious business proposition again!
It's bathing-suit season, and the light of the full moon is just unforgiving to those few extra pounds, am I right? Ha-ha. It's the perfect time to employ this month's delicious, low-calorie recipes for blood pudding, Icebox Organ Loaf, plasma smoothies and more! They're so tasty, your family won't know the difference!
Vampire Today offers much more than comprehensive cooking, cleaning and homemaking coverage, though. We know that a young undead family is looking for entertainment, and we aim to provide it. Submit your own humorous stories to our "Hunting Hilarity" and "Madcap Mortals" columns, and if we pick your tale for publication, we'll send you your own messenger bat to run errands, act as a harbinger of your arrival, or generally do your evil bidding! In our Listings section, we keep track of midnight screenings and poorly policed neighborhoods, not to mention blood orgies, flight training for the little ones, and other vamp gatherings across the nation.
Of course, we all know there's a serious side to the vampire life. In this month's featured article, read the harrowing tale of Irma Johnson, whose entire family nearly perished in a daylight-savings mishap, and learn of her courageous sacrifice and inspiring recovery. Each month in Vampire Today, we'll be bringing you a compelling vamp-interest story every bit as moving as Irma's!
Now, ma'am, can I interest you in your very own subscription to Vampire Today? We're currently offering a three-month trial subscription, after which you'll be charged our discount rate of just ten pints of virgin or twenty pints of regular blood for a full twelve months. That's twelve issues of Vampire Today, PLUS our special All Hallow's Eve double issue packed with holiday travel destinations, decorating ideas, torture & terror tips, and more. That's a savings of 60% off the cover price! May I sign you up for a trial subscription today?
Very good. Now, after confirming your address, I'll just need you to let me know if you prefer standard delivery by shambling human minion, or express delivery by giant bat for an extra charge of only...
Posted by hilatron at June 27, 2005 02:36 PM | TrackBackSign me so totally up. I want to hear the details of the Daylight Savings mishap.
Posted by: Doombot at June 28, 2005 06:44 PM