Blogatron

Beauty Sleep

So in case anyone is wondering why I've been walking around with that glazed look in my eyes (aside from the cold I'm getting over, THANK YOU VERY MUCH GREYHOUND and your nightmarishly unsanitary bathrooms, which are clearly the root cause of my illness: but anyway), in case you have asked yourself "Why is Hilatron so dazed and peevish these days?" I would like to present you with an explanatory timeline. The events presented here occur, with slight variations, nightly. And so:

11:00pm: Hilatron retires, book by her side, glass of water at the ready.

11:03pm: Nightly battle with Murray over best place to sleep: on book or not on book? On Hilatron's head or not on Hilatron's head?

11:30pm: Lights out, num-num, sleepytime for robots and cats. Peace and goodwill, etc.

11:42pm: Hilatron realizes that that water sipped during reading time has gone right through her.

11:46pm: Back in bed, Hilatron becomes aware that she is cold. And also, thirsty.

12:00am: Comforter on bed, Murray bristling with offense in the living room over this interruption. Just two sips of water to stave off thirst - no more peeing tonight! Off to sleep!

The Wee Hours: Josh arrives on the scene and attempts to convince Hilatron to cede 1) some of the 85% of the bed she is occupying, and/or 2) his half of the blankets. Cranky thrashing and glaring through one open eye ensues.

Ten Minutes Later: Hilatron awakens fully and wonders why Josh is sleeping all smooshed over like that, with no blankets. The silly. Also, she has to pee.

Five Minutes Later Still: Back in bed. Josh asleep...and...snoring. Grr. Attempts to convince Josh to roll over on side are futile, due to his dastardly technique of genially saying "Sure" and then promptly going right back to sleep, like, within microseconds, without moving an inch, you've never seen anything like it.

And, Even Later: Josh pummeled into rolling over on his side without ever waking up enough to realize that he should be calling a hotline of some sort. Ha! More sleeping.

3:04am: Hilatron wakes up to realize that she is very very very hot. Stupid comforter. Murray has settled down on the other side of Hilatron from Josh, on top of the comforter which she would like to GET OFF HER RIGHT NOW IT BURNS. Murray very very very heavy; also, sharp.

3:15am: Back from the bathroom, wounds dressed. Josh slept through the whole thing. Murray now reclines at end of bed, lashing tail and looking peevish. Comforter moved. Aaah. Sleepy.

4:00am: Breakfast time for cats! Right? Murray thinks so. Perhaps he can convince others of this important fact. The place to start is by attacking Josh's feet.

4:11am: This does not prove effective, as Josh can bleed profusely, attempt to kick you and kick Hilatron instead, get yelled at, and apologize sincerely, all without waking up and feeding you breakfast. Hmm.

4:15am: Hilatron wonders what that is in her armpit. It is Murray's head. Murray loves Hilatron with a fierce head-butting love, see? Murray knows that Hilatron won't let him go hungry.

4:20am: Hilatron wonders what that crushing weight is on her sternum. It is Murray's front paws. Murray is quite sure that his still-empty bowl is just an oversight, that Hilatron needed perhaps a gentle reminder that it is now dangerously late with the feeding. Murray is just trying to help. Allow him to put a little more weight...right...there. Breathing okay, are you? Oh good.

4:25am: Hilatron wonders what that wet thing is in her ear. It is Murray's nose. Murray was simply attempting to take Hilatron's temperature, you see. He was concerned that she was unwell or perhaps deceased, because what else could possibly delay her for so long?

4:26am: Murray is hurt. Murray wonders what could have gotten into Hilatron, with the shoving him off the bed. Murray will take out his aggression on the end of the blanket, which already resembles macrame gone bad.

5:00am: Hilatron awakens from blissful slumber because something is horribly wrong. What is that thunderous vibration, whence that gale-force wind? Oh, it is Josh. Josh loves Hilatron too, and that is why he has decided to "share" Hilatron's pillow with her. And...he is snoring.

5:01-5:20am: Again with the rolling over procedure.

5:28am: Hilatron moves slightly. Murray, his hurt feelings forgotten, knows that this must mean it is finally time for breakfast! Yes? Murray celebrates by walking back and forth across Hilatron several times, making sure to hit all the important organs along the way, issuing ceremonial *prrrrts* and *squeaks* as needed.

5:29-6:15am: Murray repeats this procedure for all promising movements or whenever Hilatron appears to be breathing, just in case.

6:16am: Hilatron awakens. Josh snores. Murray attempts to sit on Hilatron's head, filled with joyous breakfast love. Hilatron squints at clock with an evil squint. Hilatron says "no fucking way," punches Josh, hugs - not strangles! hugs! - Murray into stillness, returns to sleep.

7:00am: Alarm goes off, beep-beep-beep. Murray, recently so active, is out like a light, trapping Hilatron under the blankets. Beep-beep-beep-beep. Murray cannot imagine what Hilatron means, "Move your ass." Why? What is her problem? Beep-beep-beep. More heaviness and sharpness from Murray. Beep-beep-bee...ah, finally, silence. Hilatron is awake. Hilatron stumbles to fetch her bathrobe, trips over the cat who is hurrying towards the kitchen directly in front of her, hits her head on the doorjamb and falls into a blissful slumber, or "unconsciousness," whatever, just long enough to guarantee she'll be late for work. And the new day begins!

Posted by hilatron at January 6, 2005 03:52 PM