Blogatron

Requisite 2004 in review post

Hey, 2004: don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

On February 1 of this year, I got a call that something was up with my dad, that he didn't seem to be doing to well and his girlfriend's son was worried about him and thought a family member ought to know. That night, my mom went over to his apartment to discover that "worried" was an underreaction of epic proportions. One day later, I was visiting an emaciated, overmedicated, hallucinating, broken-elbowed man in the hospital. Eight days after that, I was accompanying him across the street to a pink-brick nursing center. Ten days after that, a gavel fell and I became my dad's temporary guardian, a role that was cemented into permanence three months later.

The last eleven(!) months, the aspect of them that I've been calling Project Dad, have sucked. It's calmed down in the last few months from an unbelievable, all-consuming level of suck that made me wonder if I was going to make it, to a sort of dull tired suck, but the suck has hung in there, permeating everything in a way I've never experienced before, lowering my ability to enjoy even the other, fun parts of my life. I don't really feel like I've learned much; I don't really think I have a handle on how to do this job of guardianship very well. (For example, I cannot figure out how to keep the man supplied with pants. Where do the pants go? Why do the ones that stay seem to get boiled and shrunk down to child-size? What is up with the pants pants pants?) I have an "oh shit, I totally forgot about/neglected/am late with my responsibility for X detail of Dad's life" moment about once per day, still. And I'm still having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the fact that, yes, I really have to do this.

So I'm not exaggerating when I say that I'm eager to put 2004, with its surreally ugly beginning and backbreaking middle and stunned end, behind me.

But. I would be remiss not to mention another thing that's happened this year. You often hear people say things like "Just wait 'til something really bad happens, 'til you're really in trouble, then you'll see who your real friends are." And their tone is usually ominous, as if to say "you'll also find out who a few of your friends aren't."

That hasn't been the case for me, though. I guess I just lucked out in the people-you-know lottery, because if anything my family and friends have offered more help and support than I would have thought to ask for. Although I felt burdened with a lot of shit this year, I could also hardly turn around without someone offering a ride, a sympathetic ear, a piece of thoughtful advice, a clean pile of dishes, a phone call, an errand, a hug. So, inadequate as it is to try to say this here: thanks for the boost. You probably don't know how much it helped.

So I guess one way to put a tidy little meaning on all this and to pass the turnstile into 2005 is just to change the focus: instead of thinking about all the crappy things I have to do, think about the things I can do for, and with, the kind and loving people to whom I owe a debt of thanks. Instead of focusing on all I'm missing, on the failures, resolve to appreciate how much better things are now, for me and for my dad, than they were almost a year ago. I guess that might be a good thing to do. Maybe I should be grateful for the last year and all it's taught me.

Screw that; it still sucked, and I already knew how awesome you all are. I couldn't be gladder to climb out of the trenches of 2004 and get on with Project Focus on the Good Stuff (and Also a Buttload More Sleeping). Happy New Year!

Posted by hilatron at December 30, 2004 12:58 PM