Here is a list of things that, were I a totalitarian ruler*, would require a license:
-Parenting
-Walking two abreast on the sidewalk (test: "Can you GET THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE'S WAY when they are coming toward you? Yes or No")
-Riding a bike
-Operating a cell phone
-Wearing: ponchos, short pants with boots, hats for purposes other than warmth
-Operating a shopping cart
-Interacting with store clerks
-Using public transportation
-Sitting next to me at work, seriously, what the fuck is up with the audible chewing, the dramatic sighing, the whistling, the finger-tapping? I am going to STAB YOU IN THE EYE.
It would be a hard world, but fair.
*Which you know I totally would be, right? Sure, after the coup I'd be all "Hey guys, everything's cool, we can all get along! Just watch out for each other, and you can do whatever you want." And then two days later I'd be all "Well, but don't do that" and we'd just go downhill from there.
Posted by hilatron at December 23, 2004 09:56 AMFurther tests:
Would be cell-phone users: are you able to steer your body and run your yap simultaneously without crashing into passers-by? No? Then you not only canNOT have a license, you will be shot at dawn.
If you cannot afford a lawyer, none will be provided to you.
Shopping cart drivers: Count the lanes in this supermarket aisle. What's that? Three, you say? BZZZT. There IS NO MIDDLE AISLE.
Parents (multiple guess): You are in a store. It is 3 days until Christmas. You and your bra-- er, child are both fried and clinging to the last remaining shreds of reason. Child has classic screaming, head-banging meltdown. You:
1. Grasp child firmly by two handiest appendages and exit premises immediately.
2. Speak pleadingly to child in soft and earnest tones, ending every sentence with, "Okay? Honey? Okay?"
3. Wallop child upside the head, or bottom, and continue shopping despite sharp rise in decibel level. What the hell, everybody else's kids are wailing like demented banshees too.
Posted by: Doombot at December 23, 2004 09:33 PM