Hmm, I have some stank breath. That lasagne was garlicky. And I have no gum! Woe is me!
Oh, hey, there are candy canes in the lounge.
They are peppermint! Mint! Mint in all its breath-freshening goodness!
Here, I shall pull out a candy cane from the box. Oops, these candy canes come in little crimped plastic cellophane tubes, each containing two candy canes with additional crimping corralling them into opposite ends of the tube.
One candy cane is broken. I shall take that one, out of a misplaced and somewhat disingenuous sense of meekness.
Wait! I deserve the unbroken candy cane! My breath is entitled to the pristine offense-reducing power of a whole, unsullied cane! I Am Worth It!
...Huh. These two candy canes are locked together, with no perforation or anything to help one separate this crimped-and-divided cellophane tube into two crimped cellophane tubes.
I could cut the tube with scissors. But: snack food should not be something you need to open or manipulate with scissors. In this, the greatest country in the world, we should not need tools to access our slow sugary deaths!
I could open one end of the tube, remove a cane, and leave the other, packaging attached, but would that not be akin to leaving one's candy wrappers lying around? A flapping, empty cellophane representation of irresponsibility, attached to a broken candy cane, what could be sadder?
Poor broken candy cane, left bereft, attached to the byproduct of your brother's demise. Who would claim you, you who are not as beautiful, perhaps, but every bit as tasty?
There is nothing for it but to eat both candy canes - for the environment, for the less fortunate, for America. It's the right thing to do!
Posted by hilatron at December 20, 2004 03:14 PM | TrackBackAs for me, I've just been baking too many desserts lately, so it's my own fault, really. Damn end of the semester always sends a couple of pounds straight to the scale.
Posted by: lane at December 21, 2004 01:55 AMHmm, interesting. My hypothesis is related to the basket of chocolate chip scones sitting unattended brought in by the skinny-as receptionist.
Posted by: EV at December 21, 2004 12:14 PMAss. Skinny-ass.
Posted by: EV at December 21, 2004 12:15 PMWhat is it about skinny-asses? The last time I had a report-somewhere-8-to-5 kind of job, the person who could be absolutely depended upon to bring goodies to staff meeting was a woman with, I kid you not, anorexia. She never ate any of the stuff (weird concoctions like fat-free cherry-rhubarb-kiwi-oatmeal crumbles), but she baked it and brought it (despite the fact that almost nobody else ever ate the stuff either).
I wanted to buy the woman lead shoes. She'd have disappeared in a stiff breeze.
Posted by: Doombot at December 21, 2004 05:28 PMYeah, I am weirded out by the people who make things and then just watch everyone else eat them. What the hell is that? You trying to poison us?
Posted by: Hilatron at December 22, 2004 04:43 PM