Enough navel-gazing, let's push that off the top of the page with some discussion of David Caruso and his hit (?) television series, CSI: Miami.
Set aside for a moment the question of CSI: Miami itself, which is what unholy force prompted the producers to say to themselves "What the hell, might as well do another city, just because we can," or, later, "Let's do this cool Westernish finale to each show, where the characters walk in a row on a beach looking cool in their cool shades, in slow motion, while cool music plays, that would be awesome and cool and not seizure-inducingly hilarious at all, right?" and, finally, "This show seems to be tanking under its own self-involvement! What can we do? I know, let's have two murders per episode! That'll teach all those bastards filling the Ten O'clock Dead Body of the Night slots on the other networks, taking ratings away from us. THEY only have ONE dead body, we have TWO! Not even counting David Caruso!"
So, David Caruso. I used to watch NYPD Blue back when it was "edgy" because everyone else was still using tripods, and I remember that he didn't use to be so soul-clenchingly terrifying. Didn't he used to be sort of cute? A little too intense maybe, but I don't remember ever peeing my pants in fear when he appeared on screen.
Now, though, there are two things that make him just the pure unfiltered stuff of nightmares: the way he looks, and the way he sounds.
I mean mostly, he still looks like the David Caruso we remember, but something's...not quite right. It's not that he's getting older -- in fact, it would be a relief if he did, because instead of aging he seems to be sort of curing. You can still see the lines and contours that made up the David Caruso we used to know, but they are oddly discolored, leathery; his face does not move like a face should. And something is wrong underneath. It appears that his skin is stuffed with shredded softcore noir movie scripts rather than healthy, living flesh. Something inside David Caruso seems to have withered, whimpered and died. And I don't mean to get all metaphysical, but do we really know what transpired during those years between the time he left NYPD Blue in search of movie stardom, and the time he turned up on CSI: Miami, and blighted the depths of our psyches with his ghastly new visage? Do we know what lengths a man will go to, what sacrifices he will make, to escape the career-killing depravity of a movie like Jade?
Then there's that voice, which really needs to be discussed in two parts, because there is the regular voice, a sort of cycling growl that merely adds a layer of threat to even the most mundane statement. That voice just makes you a little uneasy, maybe sets off primal alarms deep within the lizard brain, perhaps resonates in the subconscious for a time: "I'm going to the store for milk," David Caruso mutters, and that night you dream of car accidents and starving puppies. That sort of thing.
And, of course, the other voice, the one that seems to get used when David Caruso is trying to be firm, or intense, or something - I really can't remember because I black out and lose track of the plot line when I hear That Voice. That organ-dissolving snarl, straight from the crypt, that no pregnant woman should ever hear lest her baby come out with glowing red eyes and twenty perfect little claws. I spent a large part of the time I lay awake last night, wide-eyed, trembling, stiff-necked, the horror working upon me like a hit from the crack pipe, wondering what could possibly be in the script for this show that causes David Caruso to use That Voice.
I don't know, and since my eardrums shriveled up and fell out last night at 10:45, I probably never will. But I suspect that being a writer for this show is like walking a minefield - you're always second-guessing yourself, checking to make sure the dialogue you wrote is as innocuous as possible. Lots of "he says pleasantly," "he whispers gently," etc. You don't want to be the guy who writes the line that causes David Caruso to use That Voice. Oh no you don't. Those guys get fired right quick, and then David Caruso appears in their bedrooms at night, smiling like a death's head and saying nothing at all because once you have heard That Voice, the damage is already done.
Posted by hilatron at August 17, 2004 07:02 PM | TrackBackokay - i am so glad you brought this up, because i have been waiting to point out for all the world and the benefit of medical science that Caruso and MICKEY ROURKE are suffering from the same terrifying, unidentifed syndrome - we must investigate.
Posted by: captain gb at August 17, 2004 07:01 PMOh my God you are SO RIGHT! Why didn't I see it before??
Posted by: Hilatron at August 18, 2004 08:27 AMI saw a UPN fall preview. One of the shows had 2 undercover cops in Hawaii, chasing criminals in boats. It was like they had taken the script for "miami vice", changed the location, and labeled it as a "new show". Have the writers completely run out of ideas???
Posted by: j at August 18, 2004 09:17 AMI'm waiting for CSI:Levittown.
And thank you ever so little for bringing Jade back into my consciousness when I had just managed to repress it.
And word on the Mickey Rourke thing.
Posted by: nikita at August 18, 2004 10:21 AMDon't know about David Caruso, but Mickey Rourke got written up on the Awful Plastic Surgery site.
Doesn't explain The Voice, though.
Posted by: Doombot at August 18, 2004 03:03 PMAll I'm thinking is I don't watch nearly enough television.
Posted by: EV at August 18, 2004 03:51 PMDavid Caruso's a hack.
Posted by: Danny Bonaduce at August 18, 2004 04:32 PMyou have to see david caruso in 'king of new york.' as for mickey rourke, his dog was emotive than he was in 'once upon a time in mexico.' cap'n GB on the money are per usual!
Posted by: jenni at August 18, 2004 04:41 PMI think you're probably ok as long as he's only Googling "David Caruso." If he decided to Google "David Caruso" + blog, however, you might be in some trouble.
Posted by: Agent Court at August 19, 2004 02:34 PMi don't know. i Googled "David Caruso" and there you were on the 4th page.
Posted by: me at March 5, 2005 12:34 PMdavid caruso is good looking and one of the best actors and most humble actors anybody will ever see.
Posted by: tiffanne at March 7, 2005 09:58 AMhaha... thanks guys... reading through all your comments made me realise im not the only sad person in the world who sits and thinks wierd things...deeply.. about famous people.. I mean, I sit down and sometimes while Im staring at a ceiling Ill think, "Hilary Duff cannot act" I mean come on.. she freakin makes the exact same facial expressions whether shes kissin a guy or running for her life.
She cant sing either... were all absucted by this "Duff disease"
And can someone please kill that French Flipping Hilton Cow!? Noone wants to.. okay mybe some of you sick skeleton loving guys do, but I sure as hell don't wanna see that loser living NORMAL life. Why not cover her in honey and throw her into a jailyard full of criminals, rapists, and serial killers, and supply them with the sharpest objects we can find.
Now that's reality tv.
I personally think CSI is pretty funky.. makes me more determined to be a coroner... along with a rock star, fashion designer, and journalist.
Im gonna hafta agree with tiffany tho cuz i think David Caruso's pretty hot... *what can I say... Im a 17 year old with a thing for older guys..* I squeeze him up there somewhere between Johnny Depp and George Clooney on my list.
Ironically he is pretty much the only red head.. no wait ..Dave and Frankie Muniz are the only red heads I find attractive... I've been scarred for life from a scary moment as a child in which I encountered the freak of nature we like to call "Carrot Top".
Anywho, enough of my meaningless jargon.. Ive got my IGCSE mock exams starting this Thursday, and I gotta start checkin out universities around US n UK.
Take care.. whoever bothers to read this crap.. and yeah..thanks for letting me rant about Hilary Duff and paris hilton... Pe@cE
~Henna
*Bez Mislei Bez Golosa Bez Dushi*
Posted by: henna at March 15, 2005 07:13 AMDon't let my mother hear you saying all that crap about David Caruso!!! As for CSI: Miami, well you are probably slagging it off because you are not smart enough to understand it!!!
Posted by: cazzy at September 10, 2005 08:33 AMWhat can i say i watch CSI Miami every week in pain from watching Curuso iam waiting for the best episode the one he is killed in to end my misery, PLEASE !!!
Posted by: Curt at November 7, 2006 05:57 AMIn reading the comments on this page, I have come to one conclusion. All of you young hairless pr--ks, who don't even know how to form a complete sentence or where to end a sentence, are obviously green with envy of David Carusos' style..........because you're still watching.
Posted by: Paul at December 15, 2006 04:59 AMdavid caruso has to be the absolute worst actor ever...i didn't even watch nypd blue until he left (to go after his "illustrous" movie career...and the only reason i watch csi miami is because i like all the science & tech stuff they do...but caruso! every line he speaks and every action he makes is so contrived. and he's supposed to be intimidating when hhe gets in poeple's faces? puh-lease. he's not scary, he's pathetic.
Posted by: teacher at January 23, 2007 04:24 PMI am so glad that I found this site! my boyfriend and I were just watching CSI Miami. I've been insisting to him that something is definitely wrong. Something far more disturbing than all the bloody murder and death on that show. So we decided, in true CSI fashion, to investigate. We Googled: 'David Caruso's Face.' My fears have been confirmed. Think I'll be moving back to New York, feels a little bit too crowded in Miami at the moment if ya get my drift...
Posted by: juliana at January 31, 2007 05:15 PMCaruso can't act his way out of a paper bag and is just an obnoxious asshole.
Posted by: Vixen at February 24, 2007 12:16 PMDavid Caruso is amazing, hot, and oh so drop-dead sexy. He is a wonderful actor and is so go in getting into character. I love CSI:Miami, and you know what else is good I never hear any drama coming from CSI:Miami like I do with Greys Anatomy.
Posted by: Megs at March 13, 2007 01:09 AMDavid Caruso aka Horatio Caine is an excellent actor despite a pretty much failed movie career. He is really hot, sexy, and drop dead gorgeous no matter how old he is. I dont see any other tv show that compares to CSI Miami. the regular CSI Las Vegas sucks and you cant warm up to the characters like you can on CSI Miami. All the characters are likeable on Miami.
Posted by: Tressa at March 14, 2007 07:07 AMDavid Caruso is a talentless hack. Nothing more nothing less
Posted by: Sara at August 11, 2007 05:24 PM