Dear Readers,
Moments ago, we received an urgent telegram from Hilatron, which reads as follows:
"HELP HELP WORK SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL STOP TASKS COMING FROM ALL DIRECTIONS STOP PHONE, E-MAIL RELENTLESS STOP REQUEST BACKUP STOP PLS SEND SNACK CAKES, ROBOT ARMY STOP"
Hilatron quaintly insists upon calling out the robot army under the most mundane of circumstances, and steadfastly refuses to contemplate the extensive costs incurred with each deployment. (Key-winding alone puts a huge dent in the budget, and we won't even get into the toll on our reserves of WD-40.) Therefore, we dispatched an undercover operative to investigate before taking drastic measures. Batt-Op Unit KX576, Red Enamel Division, just filed this report via walkie-talkie:
"I am standing next to Hilatron, who is cowering under the conference room table brandishing a pad of Post-Its and threatening to 'annotate the shit out of' anyone who comes any closer. Although I have been unable to perform a complete diagnostic, my sensors indicate that her multitasking node has shorted out.
"The situation here is grim. Multiple ambushes have been carried out on the to-do list front, including assaults on Things That We Thought Were Already Done, Things We Totally Forgot About, Things We Just Heard About, and Things We Should Have Heard About Last Week But Didn't.
"Diverting time and resources from the main field of battle, Hilatron's forces have been depleted by a near-constant barrage of irritated telephone callers. Her Goddammit I'm Just the Receptionist defense system is in shreds, and barbs are getting through left and right.
"It appears that Hilatron's protective aural processing unit is also damaged. She reports that the voices of her co-workers sound like 'howling banshee wails' even when they make pleasant small talk, while the most mildly phrased request is clearly excruciatingly painful to her.
"Do not, I repeat DO NOT, send in the reserves. It is chaos here. My assessment is that additional robot operatives would simply meet the same fate as Hilatron. I believe that our best option at this point is to apply Hostess products and a faux-serene attitude until we are able to make a safe retreat. Expect our return at approximately 17:30 today. Please have beer chilled and stompy music turned up loud when we get there. KX576, signing off."
And so with baited breath, we await the safe return of our brave undercover agent and the beleagured Hilatron. Rest assured, we will keep you posted of further developments.
Yours in solidarity,
The Editors