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Project Dad #2: Welcome to the Merrimack County Probate Court

So, you want to be a Guardian!

Becoming a guardian is a complex, yet simple, yet virtually guaranteed, yet fiercely contested, yet easy, yet intimidating, process. We are certain that you have already received the three-page guardianship form, the 32-page explanation of the guardianship form, the supporting web site for the guardianship form, and the three appended one-page forms that you may or may not need to file with the original form. In addition, please be aware that you may or may not need other forms that we have neglected to mention at this time, and for which we take no responsibility. Here are some other materials that will be helpful to your case:

Here is a brochure about the Merrimack County Probate Court. You will notice from the pictures that the courthouse itself was dipped in resin in 1968 and has not changed since. The employees, however, are newer models, added circa 1982.

Here are your and your loved one's right to privacy. We have already shredded them for your convenience.

Here are the conflicting answers you will receive every time you ask a question more than once. Please note that this clause applies even if you are asking the same person as before.

Here is the Thorazine you will need to take after having the same conversation with your loved one (hereafter renamed "Proposed Ward, The") fifteen times every five minutes.

Sign here to waive your right to "this will happen, but later."

Here is the fear of what slow poison you might have drawn from the gene pool, yourself.

Here is a bottle of whiskey. Drink liberally while realizing that you must also have the same conversation with various court and medical institution representatives fifteen times every five minutes.

Here is a list of the symptoms you may develop which directly mirror the symptoms you point to as evidence of The Proposed Ward's need for guardianship. Please check all that apply:
[ ] Insomnia
[ ] Memory loss
[ ] Tendency to repeat self
[ ] Inability to eat properly
[ ] Inability to maintain safe, clean household
[ ] Confusion
[ ] Disorientation
[ ] Irritability
[ ] Paranoia
[ ] Obsessive need to write everything down on slips of paper

Here is the unwillingness of everyone you encounter to commit to even one basic fact, just one thing that you can cling to as an absolute.

Here is a fixed smile. Apply this to your face and don't remove it, especially while visualizing yourself strangling a blank-faced bureaucrat with his or her own intestines.

We hope that this introduction to the exciting world of guardianship has been helpful. For more information, please refer to the following supporting documents:
"A Tour of the Merrimack County Probate Courthouse"
"The Landscape through a Pinhole Syndrome, or Why No One Will Ever Give You More Than the Absolute Narrowest Interpretation of the Information You Asked For, Even If It Is Clear to Any Sentient Being That of Course You Need to Know Much Much More"
"Guide to Proper Obsequiousness: How Not to Piss Off Government Employees (Too Much)"

Posted by hilatron at April 14, 2004 12:57 PM | TrackBack