Blogatron

Blogatron's Guide to the Democratic Presidential Candidates as High School Love Interests

My advisors have informed me that there is a problem with the 2004 Presidential election. It seems that we cannot trust Middle America(TM) with choosing a Democratic candidate, because their fast-food-addled, trend-obsessed brains cannot comprehend anything resembling an unspun piece of information, an unprocessed fact, or heaven forfend an Issue. The poor media has been reduced to doling out nothing but poll results, out-of-context clips, and press releases containing words of not more than two syllables, just to keep fickle Middle America(TM) on course. Therefore, I present you with a guide to the Democratic candidates, handily "juiced up" and put into an appealing format that any moron Middle American(TM) can understand.

DEAN
Dean, oh, Dean. He scares you a little; there's always that exhilaration mixed with terror when you get into his car (yes, he drives). You never know what will happen with him. You wonder if you'll ever have the courage to bring him home to meet the parents - can you imagine how your father would react to his take-no-shit attitude, his angry denial of authority? You and your girlfriends die laughing at the idea. You think about him all the time, heart pounding, but there's still that doubt. Can it last? What about his temper, his inconsistency? Do you believe him when he says "It's us against the world, baby?" There's a little part of you that suspects it's really all about him, that you're just an accessory. You know you'll never rest easy with him; you'll always have to be on the lookout that he doesn't get bored and go off with some other, faster, girl. Still, when he put his hand under your bra out behind the Denny's, you never felt so alive.

KUCINICH
Girl, you used Kucinich and you know it. Who didn't know he had a crush on you - making puppy-dog eyes whenever you were around? It was flattering, but embarrassing too, because face it, he's a geek. Those weird lunches he brings, the clothes that his mom actually makes for him, his Dungeons and Dragons Society at school - no, you would never have dated Kucinich. But you sure didn't drop many hints, did you? Yeah, you were more than a little nice to him. You strung him along just because you loved the power of having someone that devoted to you. But when he asked you to the prom while you were waiting for the bus with all your friends, what were you supposed to do? You'll never forget the look on his face when you turned him down, right in front of everyone, loudly enough so that all the cool kids could hear you disavowing him. You won't ever really know what that must have felt like for him, but those three dateless years you've got coming to you in college will give you a clue.

MOSELEY BRAUN
Well of course you remember her. The girl who tried out for the hockey team? But you don't talk to your friends about that one time, at that party, when you kissed. It was no big deal, you were just experimenting, but if anyone thought you were going to change your whole lifestyle, date a girl, well...I mean, you can't say the idea doesn't appeal to you, but you can't be sure of getting any support. You don't really know who your allies are here, do you? Probably even people who don't care one way or the other will stay silent just to avoid the hassle. You don't think you're ready for that battle yet. And hey, it's not like there aren't still a lot of options among the guys, right?

GEPHARDT, EDWARDS, LIEBERMAN, GRAHAM
Sure, you know these guys...sort of. You see them around; once in a while you'll flirt with one of them at a party or in the hall at school, just a casual thing. You think one of them is friends with your brother. And Lieberman, he plays...what is it...lacrosse, right?

SHARPTON
You just want everyone to know that IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF THAT. I mean you have no problem with the idea of dating a black guy, okay? And Sharpton, he's funny, he's smart. Captain of the debate team, but relaxed enough to pull that hilarious gag at the statewide championships, man, they'll be talking about that for years. Yeah, he's cool. And you like him, you really do. But there are...rumors, a couple of incidents in the past that make you think he's not a long-term prospect. Fun to hang out with, sure, but not boyfriend material. Did you mention that it has NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE? Oh. You did. Okay then. Well good.

CLARK
People ask you what's up with Clark. "Why didn't he go out for varsity football? We know he's great." Instead, he does drama. And yet he can clearly hold his own with the jocks; no one would dare call him a pussy or a freak. They really don't know what to think. Sure, there's a certain amount of admiration for him, but no one is ready to accept him like you are. They don't seem to see what you see, and that makes you nervous. Are you imagining his nobility, his intellect, his quiet strength? Why can no one else see the beauty of those big pretty eyes? When you go out with Clark, you're confident you'll have fun and you know you'll be treated with respect. But you need the companionship of your friends, your family, and you know they're put off by his refusal to conform. Not to mention that weird smile. I mean even you admit that it's a little creepy.

KERRY
The very fact that your mom likes Kerry so much pretty much sums up what makes you hate him sometimes. "Going out with The Bore again tonight?" cackles that bitch Sue-Ann. And so you laugh, and you play like you're just using him because he has the money to take you to nice restaurants. But a part of you that you don't even want to acknowledge is attracted to Kerry. His stability...I mean you're ten times more out there than he is, but at the same time you like the idea of settling down someday. There's never any questions with him. You know that out of all of them, you're probably safest with him. He's too bound by convention to even imagine hurting his girlfriend, after all. Can he fulfill you, though? You wrack your brain trying to come up with a concrete reason not to like him, and you can't. It's just that there's not much that gets you excited, either. Sometimes when you're out with him you close your eyes and you think about the dangerous excitement of Dean, the revolutionary thrill of kissing Moseley Braun, the amazing night with Clark when you talked for hours, feeling like the two of you were the only people in the world who got it. Kerry will never give you that. Can you give it all up?