An Open Letter to the Fox Network:
If you are going to continue to air Tru Calling, at least have the decency to provide free morphine or some other kind of pharmaceutical succor for the indescribable pain of watching the show for even the smallest amount of time. My cat leaned over about ten minutes into tonight's show and scratched the solution to tonight's "mystery" into my left leg, then vomited onto the TV remote. Half an hour into the screening, I heard a thump from within my refrigerator. When I opened the door, a rotten block of tofu screamed "What is with the rehashing of the alleged plot every five minutes? Do they think we cannot follow the writers' agonized machinations? Even I am smarter than these characters!" During the show's final scenes, my couch spontaneously combusted. The pattern of the ashes left behind spelled out the words "This is the worst pain ever (™Simpsons). Like Murder, She Wrote got hit in the head with a sledgehammer. Please oh please make it stop no no no aaaaaaah!"
Enclosed please find a bill for the couch.
All my best,
Hilatron
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Oh Gumption,
Where art thou? I miss you. You left so suddenly, and without any warning. And since then, nothing - not a phone call, not a flicker of your presence anywhere. I'll soldier on, but it won't be the same with you missing. Call me!
Hoping to see you soon,
Hilatron
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An Open Letter to the Wesley Clark Campaign:
I think your candidate is great. However, the best way to get that across might not be a telephone campaign featuring a prerecorded message from Clark himself. Not because he is a poor speaker, or because his voice is less than imposing, or because he lacks charm, but because, when you say to yourself "Yeah, Clark, know about him, gotta get off the phone so I can make another call" the message keeps going so that when you pick up the phone again his voice is still there, still speaking gravely about the Issues, and so you try again and AGAIN to disconnect, but no going, the unstoppable voice of Wesley Clark is there, waiting, on the other end every time you pick up the phone. It's a bit creepy. And polls show that candidates do not benefit from being associated with possessed appliances.
With fond regards,
Hilatron
At least you don't get spammed 8 times a day by the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking of responding to the next one with "I'll vote for him if he promises to make my penis larger".
Posted by: EV at January 16, 2004 01:21 PMKucinich was in my toaster this morning.
Posted by: aaron at January 17, 2004 09:38 AMThe only reason to watch Tru Calling is to better enjoy Shack's acerbic recaps of exactly why it's so terrible on televisionwithoutpity. (Possibly the funniest stuff I've ever read.)
Posted by: jen at January 19, 2004 10:48 AM