Regular readers will remember the Lower Body Blaster™ experiment I embarked upon a few weeks ago. Here are notes from the first stages of that experiment - sadly, a trial which was to be cut short, as you shall soon see.
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Day 1: Before beginning my new regimen, I perform the standard ritual of reading the ingredients on the back of my tube of Lower Body Blaster™. Ingredients are as follows: Water, blah blah glycolic blah, blah blah liposomes of cocoa and caffeine, chemical, chemical, chemical, chemical, good name for a robot, chemical, chemical, chemical, chemical, chemical, aloe vera, chemical, fragrances, dyes.
Caffeine? Hmmmm. Does Lower Body Blaster™ propose to firm and tone my “problem” area by making it hyper and twitchy? If that worked I would be a size negative-two, “problem” areas or no. Not much to glean here, because I don’t know what most of the rest of this stuff is. Time to take the plunge.
Lacking the $30 or so it would require to purchase the Bliss-recommended exfoliant to use with Lower Body Blaster™, I am forced to substitute brisk rubbing in the shower. Can only hope that this transgression has not already destroyed the effectiveness of the product, that Bliss will smile forgivingly upon bending of the rules.
Lower Body Blaster™ itself is medicinal-smelling, and a bit greasy. Its effect upon application is a mild tingle and some stickiness, as though I’d sat in a puddle of melted cough drops. Is this the feeling of toning and tightening? Is it the last stand of my unsightly lumps? Only time will tell.
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Day 2: Application goes smoothly, with nothing new to report.
Later: Realize that I have developed a disturbing habit of absentmindedly fondling own right buttock to check for blossoming firmness. Note to self: stop acting like weirdo.
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Day 3: Late to work - delay while waiting for Lower Body Blaster™ stickiness to abate, the better to dress self. Efforts to stop touching self inappropriately not going well. No miraculous advances to report.
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Day 4: Realize at about lunchtime that I’ve forgotten my Lower Body Blaster™ today. Curses! This will anger the lump-management gods, for sure.
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Day 5: Disturbing revelation: overnight, a mild rash has developed in the Lower Body Blaster™ application area: a smattering of red bumps mars previously pasty-white skin. A variety of theories: Withdrawal due to yesterday’s omission? Allergic reaction to the poshness of the product? The unwanted fat bubbling to the surface? Must decide course of action.
Later: Have decided, after much soul-searching and more itching, to call off experiment. When it comes down to it, would rather be lumpy than bumpy.
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And that's that, folks. I guess it's back to the clearance aisle at Walgreen's for this robot. Say what you will about Suave, at least they never gave me hives.
Posted by hilatron at January 5, 2004 05:40 PM | TrackBackDrat! I was sure you'd tell us that the search is over, we can eat whatever we want and never do a leglift again. Sorry about the rash, but I hear Philosophy makes a wonderful Soothing Aromatherapeudic Grape Skin Healing Tonic...
Posted by: EV at January 6, 2004 10:20 AMi'm looking at your latest auctions, and i have to say, DAMN YOU GOOD!
Posted by: j at January 6, 2004 05:17 PMyou made those? with what?
Posted by: glitter biscuit at January 7, 2004 06:41 PM