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Bargain Shopping for Science

I recently scored a tube of Lower Body Blaster™ from Blisslabs, known to many of you, no doubt, as that overpriced line of trendy urban beauty products geared toward people looking to extend their trophy-wife shelf life a few more years, investment bankers desperate to figure out what to do with the extra money left over each month after Soho rent, SUV payments and lattes, and those of us in neither category who are nonetheless seduced by the occasional outlandish and sexily packaged cosmetic proposition. Not normally blessed with an awareness of high-end beauty lines, I spotted the brand name amongst the scented candles and leaky bath oil canisters at TJ Maxx because I’d recently browsed through the Bliss catalog at a friend’s house, giggling at the thought of paying $40 for a cream that promises to keep one’s breasts from shrinking when one goes on a diet.

The tube looked all chagrined, like it was wondering what its sleek graphics and kicky color scheme were doing rubbing shoulders with Aunt Heidi’s Country Rose Drawer Sachets and the like, marked down to a positively undignified $3.99. I had to know more.

The back of the tube is somewhat coy about revealing the intended function of Lower Body Blaster™. There is a brief mention of "'problem' areas" (note the "problem" placed in quotes - Bliss telling you that they themselves do not think so negatively, they’re just trying to communicate in a language we all, unfortunately, speak, wink wink, we can be straight with one another, devastatingly intimate). There is a tentative reference to application "from knee to upper thigh." There is the requisite suggestion that one might consider using Lower Body Blaster™ in conjunction with a special kind of Bliss exfoliant. One can glean through inference pretty well, of course: if Lower Body Blaster™ were low-class enough to make promises, it would talk about firming, about toning, about removing unsightly lumps. From your "problem" areas. Sweetie.

I thought, "Scam" and was about to put the tube back when I realized that here was a perfect opportunity to do my part for Science. I could, I thought, make a little experiment of this four dollar find! I could check out the nebulous claims of these Bliss people using the perfect canvas – my own, rather less than perfectly firm-toned-and-smooth, "problem" area!

My brilliant plan, you see, is to apply the Lower Body Blaster™, in "generous amounts," to "briskly massage" the "problem" areas on the right side of my body. I will leave the left side unBlast™ed. For the next month, I will conduct regular examinations to see how my "problem" areas are progressing. Any changes will be recorded here (verbally only, I hope I need hardly point out) for posterity.

I know there’s a risk that I’ll end up all lopsided, but despite my well-documented love of symmetry, I’m willing to take it. Partly because if this stuff actually does "Blast!™" my Lower Body, hells yeah, I’ll pop $30 retail for another tube to even things out; but mostly because I am filled with a strong conviction that nothing at all is going to happen. This feeling has a lot to do with the clever, cutesy little disclaimer which follows the vague directions on the package:

"*Warning: use of this product in conjunction with the frequent consumption of doughnuts, ice cream or similar substances may lead to heightened 'changing-room anxiety' and feelings of bitter disappointment around shorts and flourescent light bulbs."

The marketspeak-to-English translation of this reads, roughly, "Should this product fail to work at all, we urge you to blame yourself. Because you suck. In the event that you wish to stop sucking, please buy more things."

So anyway, wish me luck and continued buttock integrity. Look for further Lower Body Blaster™ updates in the coming weeks.

(Note: the experiment continues here.)

Posted by hilatron at December 15, 2003 06:40 PM | TrackBack