Blogatron

This is what happens when you elect a president who can't spell 'disestablishmentarianism.'

I thought it was the caffeine that made me sleep poorly for the last two nights. I thought maybe I was cranky because a certain person who controls my paycheck likes to call me into her office so that I can watch her chew apples with her mouth open, while talking. I thought maybe I was feeling hostile to my nearest coworker because he is built like a polar bear and keeps the window open even in the chilliest fall weather, creating a noticeable cold zone around our workstations. I thought I was feeling less than perfectly put together today because it's been far too long since I did laundry. However, now I know different.

In case you were not aware, it's Marriage Protection Week, kids. Did you know that marriage makes everyone's life better? Were you aware that it produces happier children, guarantees security for the tender sex, reduces crime, cures colds, and gets your tiles sparkling clean? At least, it does all that as long as you're straight. Even our President says so, so it must be true. No wonder I am so grumpy! I am missing out on the magical cure-all represented by this institution! What a silly girl I am, letting my heterosexual relationship sit around not living up to its potential!

I surely do not need to repeat all the good things people have said, poking holes in the "logic" of these arguments and pointing out that Marriage Protection is actually Thinly Veiled Bigotry. I'll bet you can cruise around the Marriage Protection Website and do it on your own, anyway. I would just like to state that as a shacker-upper, I count myself proud to be a part, however small, of the bunion in these people's loafers. Let my happy relationship chafe their sense of moral superiority, let my childless state perplex them, let them squint and quiver over the fact that Josh does most of the cooking.

I propose that next week should be declared Why Exactly Are You So Concerned About What Other People Do With Their Private Lives Anyway? week. We can celebrate by staying home, taking a good look at ourselves, and working to become secure enough about our own individual morality and life choices that we do not need to go around shrieking and moaning and demanding that everyone else be exactly the same, Constitution be damned, the reality of how the world works aside.