Blogatron

She looks good. By comparison. I think.

I am having a peevish and insecure week so far, a condition due to one part financial inadequacy, one part guilt for engaging in frivolous spending this weekend, and 6 parts the fact that my work week started off all wrong yesterday, with me wearing pants that fit everywhere except in the crotch. Instead of curving around, they apparently decided it would be better to cut a straight diagonal line from waist to butt. And I always forget that about these pants, until I am halfway to work, and then I spend the rest of the day doing the Downward Leg Tug. This is not conducive to self-confidence or a pleasant demeanor.

Today, thankfully, none of my clothes are touching me inappropriately. Yesterday's mood lingers, however, and the eye that I cast upon my lifestyle is a critical one. In the past twenty-four hours I have gone from "harrumph" to "my God, do other people live like this?" A sour little part of me simultaneously envies others their imagined carefree, neat and tidy, comfortably clothed lives, and hopes that this is all a sham and that everyone is as plagued by trivial and unrelenting inconveniences as I am. And, you know, I have this place where I can expose all my neuroses, so what the hell? Why not spill the whole mess? Maybe it will relieve my low-level grouchiness somewhat. I would like to know:

If I stop attempting to entertain you with allegedly humorous supposed essays, but instead just start posting things like "Worked today. It was boring." and "Pants too tight. Ugh." all the time, will you still love me?

Is your bathroom floor covered in hair, too?

You don't really clean your kitchen counters very often, do you? You let little crumbs and grease smears sit on them for days at a time, right?

Are you capable of looking at your cat's dishes, and seeing an entire metropolis of ants circling the numerous bits of food that are spilled all around them, building little factories and movie theaters out of the dirt that he has tracked in on his patio-to-food express trips, organizing whole new levels of ant society with their own government and everything, building tiny weapons of mass destruction and plotting a floor-to-cupboard transport system, and thinking, "Hmmm. Well. Okay then," and then just leaving the dishes as you found them without so much as a backward glance, too?

No one really irons, or has truly white socks. And let's not even talk about saggy old underpants. Who's with me?

I can't be the only person who carefully saves all the recycling and then invariably forgets to put it out on Monday night and it just stacks up in the kitchen in bags and around the sink until you think you are going to go stark raving mad from all the damn garbanzo bean cans and you end up just chucking it in the dumpster half the time. Can I?

And surely I am not alone in claiming that I cannot afford to go to the dentist to have them look at my Suspicious Molar, but then turning around and purchasing wholly unnecessary carpet bags.

Speaking of carpets, if yours was beige, I'm sure it would be as dirty as mine, right?

And you have embraced the concept of credit card debt as budgeting system?

And you bitch about people in stores providing poor service, but spend approximately 97% of your desk-job time slacking off?

If I talk a good game about how I wish that I could find a way to make a living doing something "creative and challenging," but then choose to spend sixty percent of my free time playing Mah Jong solitaire, well, I'm certain that I am not unique.

And I know without even asking that most of you join me in bitching about how bad TV is these days but still spend two hours a week watching "Paradise Hotel."

And I'll bet that you, too, are sometimes so needy that you must make a public plea for someone to come along and tell you, "There, there. It's all right. We're all just as lazy, filthy and hypocritical as you are. No one expects better of you - in fact, we're jealous that you are able to get out of bed without hurting yourself on a fairly regular basis. Here's a medal for tying your shoes!"

Right?

Posted by hilatron at August 19, 2003 01:58 PM