You know that thing some of you do? That thing where you see a girl, standing by herself, grooving to the music a little but not really dancing, and you think, "Man, that chick looks like she needs to be getting down!" and so you move all up on her, and start kind of grinding against her, very softly at first so that she thinks someone is bumping into her until she realizes that, whoa, someone is doing that on purpose, a total stranger is, in fact, freaking her from the back, so she turns around, and there you stand with that smirky little oh-so-ironic one-sided smile and your pelvis gyrating in the space recently vacated by the girl's ass, and you say: "Hey, you should be dancing! If you're not going to dance, get off the dance floor!" You know that thing?
DON'T DO THAT. SERIOUSLY. I WILL CUT YOU.
Codicils:
1) It's not (necessarily) that girls don't want to dance with you. It's that we don't, for the most part, respond well to being snuck up on. Approach from the front, and give us the opportunity to decide for ourselves whether we want to interact with your pelvis. You will be amazed at the positive reaction this gesture of respect will elicit, for both you and your pelvis.
2) Yes, I am aware that most men don't do this. You are all in the clear. Please allow 6-8 weeks for your Hilatron Seal of Approval to arrive in the mail.
3) It is often acceptable for you to freak girls you already know from the back. For a handy guide to determining when to freak and when to refrain, please PayPal me $5.00 plus $4.95 shipping and handling for my informative pamphlet on the subject.
4) Dude. I can not dance wherever the fuck I want.
Posted by hilatron at August 6, 2003 11:41 AMAll this talk of freaking means there's only one thing I can say:
"There will also be bread."
Posted by: Freshmaker at August 6, 2003 02:00 PMYeah, really. And right after Mr. Wonderful realized he was getting nowhere with you, he tried me, and this time used the excuse that it was ok that my husband was watching because he (the freaker, not my husband) is gay. Which was clearly true, but still. That does not give you free pass to smoosh your pecker on me, just because it did nothing for you.
Posted by: EV at August 6, 2003 04:28 PMthe best part is when i used to frequent the spookay club known as the bank, which also attracted a fair share of random 'normals' and/or bridge and tunnel folks who insisted on freaking the dancing goff chicks. that's the quickest way to get sliced and diced!
this freaking applies to non-dancing occurrences and/or verbal assaults. i once found myself the most unwilling recipient of a backrub from a swarthy smelly little "bear" who fancies himself a "gonzo photographer." i was waiting to feel his little wormy squished up against me so i could flip my shit, but alas, all he did was make pseudo-sensual faces. CUT YOUR FACE!
Posted by: jenni at August 6, 2003 05:31 PMPublic Service Announcement: Inappropriate grinding is inappropriate grinding, regardless of your location, occupation or sexual orientation.
Posted by: Hilatron at August 6, 2003 05:39 PMAnd also? Tag-team freaking is a capital crime and punishable by castration.
Posted by: bosch at August 7, 2003 09:25 PM