I blame MSN.com.
You see, my web browser has developed this annoying habit of losing my preferences and reverting to the default settings periodically. It's done so enough times that I stopped fixing them, because it is more of a hassle to do so every few days than to just type my entire e-mail address when filling out forms and such. One of the many effects of learning to live with my newly impersonal web browser is that my home page, instead of checking my job search/spam designated Yahoo! mail account, is now set to MSN.
There's a lot to hate about MSN.com: the ugly layout. The Women's Interest "articles" which revolve entirely around shopping, wedding dresses, and ab exercises. The agony of knowing that someone actually gets paid to write 800 words about the most popular pickup lines in bars.
However, the thing that is currently causing my brain to spin around in small circles, whimpering quietly, is the Money section.
The Money section of MSN.com is...not for me. For example, a recent cardiac-inducing piece on the home page was "Why $1 Million is Not Enough To Retire," an article in which the high costs of retirement are described in loving, horrific detail. Apparently, one million dollars might just barely keep you in cat food, but that's about it. Never fear, though! The article kindly explains that even if you're 50 and you've only managed to save $400,000.00, careful money management and investing can save you. More comforting still, they say, is the fact that if you've only got $30K scraped together by the time you're twenty-five, you can make it! Wow, that really makes me feel better considering that I'M TWENTY-SEVEN AND RACKING UP THE CREDIT CARD DEBT LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS! Where, exactly, does this put me on MSN's scale of retirement preparedness? No answer.
This is exemplary of the kind of mind-wrenching financial advice I've been encountering lately: an assessment that you'll need X amount of money (X being a sum I'll never dream of seeing this side of a lottery win) to do Y thing (Y being something I'd really like to do, like stop working someday or live in a nice house with many closets) by Z date (Z being a date far, far removed from the date I'd actually like to do Y by, which is usually, "tomorrow"). Then I am offered "comfort" in the form of "but don't worry if you're a little behind! Why, here is the worst possible scenario we could come up with: [and now we describe a state which is actually much, much better than Hilatron's personal state], and here's how, with much hard work and if possible a trust fund and/or a lucrative investment banking career, you can turn things around!"
The general message I'm getting here is, dude, you're screwed when it comes to financial success, let alone that leisurely jet-set lifestyle you've been planning for. You had better get your shit together RIGHT NOW, girlie, if you don't want to be doomed to a life of misery and struggle. This fearful revelation has resulted in a circular and maddening thought pattern which goes like this:
Step one: I'd really like to have nice things, and go on vacations, and buy pretty clothes and stuff. I know that isn't very bohemian, but I like things. There you go.
Step two: My job is not providing me with the nice things. In fact, it is not even covering the basics and I really need to do something about that, like possibly take a second job. But I'm not very fulfilled now; do I really want to spend another 15-20 hours per week being unchallenged?
Step three: Hmm. Maybe I should think about my "career."
Step four: What do I want to do?
Step five: Well, I could see myself doing approximately five thousand different things (writer! movie critic! Super-8 auteur! costume designer! drug dealer ha ha just kidding!). But, gee, they all require me to a) work hard; b) go to lots more school; c) develop alien skills like networking and marketing; and/or d) buy a suit. Furthermore, in order to be successful at one of them, I'd have to, like, make some sort of decision about my life. Ow!
Step six: Furthermore, the chance of making any money at most of the possible things is nearly non-existent.
Step seven: I mean, I guess I could do without the nice things, if I really loved what I was doing, and as long as I could pay the bills and such.
Step eight: But, what can I see myself doing, for the rest of my life, with the kind of dedication that makes most careers successful and fulfilling?
Step nine: What I need here is a calling. Hello? Calling? Anyone out there?
Step ten: Well dammit, if I'm not going to have some sort of revelation about What I Want To Do With My Life, then I at least want some nice things. (Return to Step one, rinse, repeat, bang head against wall.)
I keep trying to tell myself that all this woohaw is a sign that A Process is taking place deep within my psyche, that surely an answer will surface after the requisite amount of agony, that certainly I will see a path laid before me sometime soon. This mantra is doing little to keep back the tides of panic and obsession, though. Instead of having a song stuck in my head, I walk around of late to the beat of "what DO i want to DO? what DO i want to DO?"
I am posting this here because it needs to go somewhere, and also because I am a little disappointed in this blog lately, and I think this helps explain why that is. In general, I would like to provide you with more fun and less rumination. I mean, goodness, you can hardly go anywhere on the web without someone ruminating on and on at you, and I want to do something different, if only for the false sense of superiority that can be gained thereby. I can't help it though - I'm feeling ruminaty and there just doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. Hopefully my Process will reach its end soon, for my sanity and for the sake of my three remaining readers, who surely did not sign up for this.
In the meantime, shoot me an e-mail if you know of any freelance work, writing or desktop publishing-wise - Mama's contacts prescription is two years out of date, and Mama SO doesn't want to work at Starbucks.
Posted by hilatron at May 19, 2003 11:59 AMWhat a coincidence! I myself was having a 27-year-old "What the hell am I doing with my life" min-crisis last night. This caused me to eat two waffles and a bowl of cereal while watching crappy tv at 1:00 a.m. on a work night. Do I go back to grad school? Does being a glorified secretary with a masters degree hold any hope for the future? Questions like these are filling my brain and causing much anxiety. I feel foy you, and have to believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Even for those of us with huge student loan debt and a penchant for cute clothes.
Posted by: Annie Hall at May 19, 2003 12:43 PMHil~ I've been lurking for a while now. You RAWK! I also just wanted to chime in and say that I've been thinking this VERY thing lately. (27 here, too) Maybe Mercury's in retrograde? Oy. I won't grow up...I don't wanna wear a tie...or a serious expression...
Posted by: Jessa at May 19, 2003 12:43 PMHmm. I'm only 17 and I'm running around thinking what do I want do hmmm what should I do. I'll probably be doing that for the next several years.
I sincerely wish I could offer advice and/or a job tip but I am an insignificant high school student with no connections. :/ I hope something pops along, like a happy little fairy godmother or a winning lottery ticket. :)
I can identify with you as well. I'm 32 and just don't know what it is that can keep me interested in a job for more than a few years. Good luck in finding the right things! Oh, and you officially have more than 3 readers! :)
Posted by: Susan at May 19, 2003 01:06 PMdude. Everyone has a midlife crisis in their mid-twenties. It's required, or something--and, if it's any comfort, my father once told me that his mid-twenties were the worst years of his life.
Here's the thing: we're brainwashed by television to believe that most people have these incredibly fulfilling fabulous jobs that provide them with lots o' money and happiness and neato friends that they hang around with are are workaholics with (um, hello, West Wing?) But, you know, jobs suck, and that's why they pay you.
And, uh, some people are fulfilled by their jobs and have cool stuff, but it's very very important to remember that those people are have a cold, hard, dead place at the very core of their being.
Posted by: Helen at May 19, 2003 01:49 PMI hear that. I'm 23 and I just went back to school a quarter and a half ago, and I just found out that I'm going to need WAY more math to get into a four-year school than I can cram into my head by the time I want to actually GO to a four-year school.
What I did to finally pick a major, though--since I was basically stopped in my tracks by the thought of picking up yet another interest only to drop it a month later as I usually do, I took a step back and asked myself what I had been interested in as a kid and what of those things I was still interested in, even if that interest wasn't currently active. Well, this time I actually came up with something, and since looking at the stars is really hard to get paid for, I am a physics major since you basically have to major in physics to get into astronomy anyway.
I got lucky though--I HAD to make a decision because I was living with my mom who was constantly pushing me to go back to school. If I hadn't been forced to decide, I'd still be complaining about how much I hate serving. Oh wait--I do anyways. But I keep reminding myself that at least I'm doing something about it. Sometimes that even makes me feel a little better :)
Posted by: Lynn at May 19, 2003 03:01 PMDoombot recommends a blog-by-subscription . . . only free to Doombot. Doombot has a job of that ilk itself. But Doombot has just decided to write an expose of its own job and then pretend it's fiction, or possibly farce, and make pots of money when it hits the best seller list.
Posted by: Doombot at May 19, 2003 08:03 PMi have no advice to offer, or commiseration. I am with the general consensus on Hilatron rocking the universe however, and being deserving of all the lottery tickets. To Helen, I say this.
I like my job. Some days, I love my job. Some days, I worry about my future. I have some cool stuff, enough at least. And, in two weeks, I will be going on vacation - to a place actually called Paradise. Having looked deeply, and at some length, I trust that Hilatron will assure you that I habor no cold, hard or dead places.
it's not really civilization if you can't survive happily on a part time job.
Posted by: tree at May 20, 2003 05:37 AMI'm too tired to go into detail about just how much I feel your vibe right now. But just know how much I so do. Sometime this summer let's have a All-dressed-up-5-years-out-of-college-and-nowhere-to-go Party. Maybe when I get out of my jetlagged stupor I'll come up with a better name.
Posted by: EV at May 20, 2003 11:42 AMp.s. to Jessa above-- I'm just wondering if you're the Jessa I went to elementary school with, seeing as I've never known another Jessa and she'd be 27. But it's totally random, I know. Anyway, if Mrs. Simms was your fifth grade teacher, hi! If not, just write me off as another weirdo.
Posted by: EV at May 20, 2003 11:48 AMLynn~ good advice, that, but um, what if you weren't interested in anything specific when you were a kid? I mean, I think that part of the overwhelming aspect of not knowing what you want to do is that the possibilities are actually endless. It's exciting, sure, but takes a while to embrace that. I'm just rambling. heh. [oh, and good for you back in school!]
Ev~ nope. I had Mr. Gehr in a tiny Midwestern town. Nostalgia does not a weirdo make. ;) But, I'd SO be down with that party you mentioned.
"Hilatron: Reuniting classmates. Almost."
hee!
Oh well, it was worth a shot, but I'm sure you're just as cool if not cooler than the Jessa I knew. And if you live in or will be travelling to the Boston area this summer (said in Don Pardo voice), we're so on with that party.
Posted by: EV at May 21, 2003 01:17 PMOops. I forgot to let you know yesterday that I
linked to this.
Gosh...you all make me feel so old. And depressed. ;-)
Posted by: Lynn S at May 22, 2003 10:53 AMJust a quick thank you for all the links and kind words, and a few clarifications:
1) I can attest to the fact that the Captain is indeed wholly warm, soft, and alive. (I also think she might have to be my girlfriend now after I wrote that, but whatever.) Some people do have a calling, and are good planners, and I don't hate them - I want to be like them.
2) I wholeheartedly support the idea that a part-time job should provide for the essentials. I could be perfectly content in my current, kind of mindless position if it paid the bills, with maybe a little left over for movies once in a while. I'm not asking to get rich off it, mind you - that should take some dedication - but to be able to scrape by? You should absolutely not have to work more than 20-30 hours a week.
3) The Aimless Party - if you all like standing really close to each other in a small space, we're so on for my house this summer. All we need to do is select the appropriate cocktail to suggest defiant indecisiveness, with just a hint of desperation, as our theme drink.
Posted by: Hilatron at May 22, 2003 11:46 AMNot only did I link to it, yesterday's entry on my blog was just basically "read Blogatron if you wanna know how I feel." Another symptom of the mid-twenties crisis is that you take the easy road as much as you can get away with.
Posted by: EV at May 22, 2003 11:49 AMI'm going through my "quarterlife crisis" right now too. It's very depressing to have a college degree and a full time job and not be able to support yourself. Kinda makes you wonder what's the point of it all.
Posted by: Brie at May 24, 2003 03:39 PMSomething important must be said about life (especially in the 20's), we call this the "pre-midlife crisis". Everyone is so utterly, confoundedly not himself or herself that during this "crisis" you become automatically the personification of the whole human race, whistling, begging, making strange clicking noises, urinating, screaming, holding your brain with open hands, so forth and so on, you get the point.
We are driven on to a fever of delirious expectancy. I for one spit on my pre-midlife crisis, keep of the grass that's my motto.
Hey guys and girls. Where do I start... I'm 24 and I hit that wall too, Face first!!! I got an idea, first of all let's all relate to each other... Done? Okay, so here it is : ...... we are all college grads who found/not found a job/the "perfect" job. WE want more out of life.
So... What do we do???? we complain..... I'm going through the mid-twenties crisis right now, and it sucks, I read different opinions in this site among others, and I kept finding what I already know because I'm going through it myself. As the rest of us that had posted something here, we are good at complaining, Why? it's just so much easier than doing something about it.
So... my point is, I am tire of finding people telling me what I already know through my personal experience. Why don't we all find a solution to overcoming the mid-twentiest-crisis together???? FASTER!!!! I'll post what i think we should do, you add or question it, or tell us if you tryed and if it was successful or not.
Step 1: stop winning.
Step 2: Make a phisical list of very short term (15 days) goals. ACOMPLISH THEM. Imediate results will fuel your motivation.
Step 3: Evaluate IN WRITTING your "idea" of a perfect life 5 years ago, Your real life NOW, and what would be your ideal life 5 years from now.
Step 4: Compare what you used to think what life would be like when you though about it 5 years ago to what it is now. Base on the amount of effort you have put into getting to life NOW, base those expectations of realistic effort to get to your ideal life in 5 years.
Step 5: Believe in a higher possitive power that will help you get streng in your moments of pain.
Step 6: Now you have 20% an idea of who you are.
Step 7: Look at your resume, "is that really you?" would you hire yourself. if so leave it like that, if not IMPROVE IT.
Step 8: Find a career that you will like to have.
Step 9: Find a person working in the career that you would like to have.
Step 10: Contact that person (please go back to "Be realistic" may be a super star would be a little hard to get, but not impossible) and invite them over to dinner.
Step 11: Find about their lifes and how they felt when they were your age.
Step 12: Do this "dinner interviews" with as many people as you think it's necessary... You are interviewing your future "Career MENTOR" and at the same time Net working with other people.
Step 13: Don't sound like a depressing losser, be honest, but make sure you are really interviewing (having dinner) with some one who you would really like to be, When you grow up.
Step 14: The ball is moving again, enjoy it and don't forget that it takes WORK a lot of WORK to found what you want. So don't start this process and leave it half way done, it would not help your motivation level.
Step 15: Only God knows how many sperm cells you beat before, chances of beating the world and get what you want are rather high too if you work with the same energy you did to make sure you had a space just to "breathe" for free.
If I only listened to my own advise. God help!!!! and let's all help each other. I know it's been a while since this log was last active, but I hope some smart person who overcame this can shine some fresh light... No single solution is a cut off solution to all the issues, but I'm sure it may take this research a step further into superation.