Thank you for visiting the Leisure Industries Product Development Department. There's been a lot of buzz about our latest product, the TardyTron 5000. We're really amazed by the stir it's created! There have been so many inquiries we decided to post the answers to some of the most frequently asked questions here. Please contact our sales department if there is any other information you're looking for.
Why do I need the TardyTron 5000?
As a busy, hard-working executive, you are well aware that the grind of day-to-day business can get you down. To relieve the stress of your go-get-em lifestyle, it's important to take a break from the ordinary once in a while.
That's where the TardyTron 5000 comes in! If you "hire" the TardyTron 5000, you can rest assured that you'll get the thrill of the new, the injection of uncertainty that makes life exciting.
What does the TardyTron 5000 do?
The TardyTron 5000 is a cutting-edge employment innovation. Designed to replicate a perfectly normal, competent, even above-average employee in every way, it sports one very special difference: the TardyTron 5000 shakes things up by adding a creative twist to each day's schedule. Our lifetime guarantee insures that you'll never know quite when the TardyTron 5000 will show up for work in the morning, giving your day that much-needed element of chance.
But I can't risk a subversive employee corrupting the rest of my staff!
Never fear! Because of our patented Chaos Engineering, the TardyTron 5000 is never intentionally late for work. Whether it is a shaving mishap in the shower, or a dream that that beeping noise is not the alarm but a truck backing up to drop off the new trampoline at her mansion, the TardyTron 5000 is always delayed by honest mistakes. You can rest assured that every single night, the TardyTron 5000 will vow that the next morning will find her at work right at starting time.
Due to this specialized programming, the TardyTron 5000 is forever apologetic about her tardiness, and will make up for it with feverish work and short lunches, so that you gain rather than lose productivity. You may just find that the TardyTron 5000 is an inspiration, rather than a detriment, to your other employees!
Won't it get predictable if the TardyTron 5000 is always late?
Chaos Engineering saves the day again! You'll find that the TardyTron 5000 follows no schedule in terms of her tardiness. Sometimes she'll be five minutes late; sometimes she'll call at 9:15 to tell you that "my cat escaped, I just caught him, and I'm on my way in now," and sometimes, just to keep you on your toes, she'll show up ten minutes early with perfectly coiffed hair and a fetching ensemble. We're so confident in our product that if you ever tire of the TardyTron 5000, we'll refund your purchase price in full!
What different types of TardyTron 5000 do you offer?
The TardyTron 5000 is currently available only in administrative models. Please contact us to discuss our Administrative Assistant and Office Manager options. Soon we hope to offer custom models as well, so that everyone who needs a TardyTron 5000 can have access to this exciting new technology. Talk to us about your TardyTron 5000 today!
Also, make sure to look into our other Executive Amusement Models, such as the Emotobot (creates catharsis with its inappropriate histrionics, thus relieving employee tension) and the SpeedyTron (gets all the work done in half the time, spends the rest of the day surfing the web for interesting and humorous tidbits to improve employee morale). We offer discounts on combination models!
Posted by hilatron at May 10, 2003 12:01 PMI have a question: Are the TardyTron 5000's excu-- er, reasons, always truthful, or can you program the device to generate pretty-much-true-but-occasionally-partially-fabricated explanations? i.e., "I had a 7:30 doctor's appointment that ran late," when by "doctor's appointment" it means "aerobics class", and by "ran late" it means "it was a leg-shaving day"?
Posted by: EV at May 11, 2003 01:24 PMWhile the TardyTron 5000 is always late for a good reason, her standard programming sometimes compels her to be inventive. After all, we wouldn't want you to get bored with too many "I slept through my alarm"s.
In market testing, we have also discovered an interesting phenomenon: at some point during ownership, the employer will simply cease to look for a reason at all. This is the point at which we enter what we like to call the "Elephant in the Room" phase, where the TardyTron 5000 can simply stroll into work, smiling blithely, as though it were the dot of nine am while the employer does his or her best to overlook the glaring difference between the TardyTron's attitude and the bold numbers of the clock. The TardyTron 5000 is specially calibrated to detect this shift and react accordingly by committing a sin against punctuality so egregious that it cannot be ignored, thus restoring the tension and excitement of the relationship.
Posted by: Hilatron at May 12, 2003 09:51 AM