Blogatron

Amy Island

I have been clearing out the mailing list at my workplace, marking the addresses of people whose mail comes back stamped "UNABLE TO FORWARD RETURN TO SENDER." It's been a long time since this was done; of the 5,000 mailing addresses, fully 1,000 of them are no longer correct.

However, a statistically unusual number of Amys seem to have moved. Where the general population sports an error rate of about 20 percent, close to half of the Amys on the list are no longer at the same address.

What could this mean? Are Amys a particularly nomadic people, flitting from house to house at their whim? Do they tend to get evicted a lot? Or is something more sinister going on?

I think I may have uncovered a mass migration, an Amy Exodus, if you will. Where are the Amys going? Perhaps, somewhere, there is an island. There they gather, trickling in from all over the world, slowly building an Amy Army. There they train; there they prepare for Operation Amy Takeover. One day, they will return in violet-hulled warships, flying a flag adorned with a single cursive A, to conquer us all. The world will fall to its knees, trembling before the force of the combined Amys.

Amys will take over every branch of government. Non-Amys will bow before them, and let them go first in line at Starbucks. Perms and French manicures will become courtly privileges afforded only to the Amys.

The Amys will select their mates from among the Brads and Brians of the world, creating an elite race of the fortunately named. Only Amys will be allowed to name their children Amy, of course. The rest of us will have to stick to inferior names that relegate us to the lower castes.

Kellys and Debbies will become the Amys' seconds-in-command, hated by the lower class, clinging grimly to the power and the tanning salon coupons that come down from on high. The Amys need not fear rebellion, for their generals will be too busy crushing the Henrys and Susans and Peters, fearful of usurpment. The less fortunate will slave in misery, dreaming of a day when one of our children might be named Amy, knowing in our hearts it will never come to pass.

But there are so many Amys. How will they unify their leadership? What will prevent them from splintering and infighting?

I haven't told you the whole story. You see, all of the three Aimees on the list are missing in action. With their relative rarity and exotic twist, I�m sure they�re prepared to lead the Empire of the Amys into the dismal, post-apocalyptic future.

Posted by hilatron at April 10, 2003 10:07 PM