Dear Telemarketer,
I'm sorry you had to work on April Fool's Day. They should really know better, but then clearly "direct marketing" (check that euphemism, folks!) managers have little grasp on reality, and you were the one who had to suffer the consequences.
When I heard that telltale mechanical pause...click that signals a paid invader of my time has come calling, the sound triggered some sort of date-related response system that I didn't even know I had.
"... Click Is Josh [last name] available?"
"... Blip No. No. No, I'm...sorry, he isn't."
"Okay, well -"
"May I take...a message?"
"Oh, no, I'll just call back at a better -"
"There IS no better time."
"?"
"There IS no better time, you see, because his time, HIS time, the time he used to spend with me, is now spent with that SLUT Crystal who works at the salon."
"Um -"
"She used to do my hair, now she's doing my MAN, can you believe that? Ha ha, good joke, huh? That's the one I'm going to use in court."
"--"
"I'll tell you one thing - I canNOT beLIEVE that he can stand being with her when he had a chance to be with ME. That girl smells like perm! I mean it comes out of her pores. She is trouble with a capital T - but hey, if that's what he wants, I'm not going to stop him. I've got some pride. Not to mention a nice nest egg, now that I drained the savings account and sold his truck."
"Muh -"
"Anyway, I should go, the fire's starting to really build now. You can take this number off your list, since it'll be burnt to the ground by tonight. Hey - what do you think, should I let the dog out or not?"
"Click"
So, I'm very sorry, Telemarketer, if I alarmed you. I hope you understood that it was all in fun. I assume you did, since the cops have not shown up yet. But I have to say...
Neener neener, I made a telemarketer hang up on MEE-ee!
Yours,
Hilatron
You rock.
Posted by: stennie at April 1, 2003 12:15 PMway to go! serious funniness.
Posted by: snik at April 1, 2003 02:31 PMAwesome! I like the terse and simple: "Can't talk now, I have to clean up a LOT of blood."
Posted by: SJ at April 1, 2003 03:09 PMYou just earned yourself 100 points.
Posted by: Ismat at April 1, 2003 06:24 PMNow that's just awesome.
Posted by: Punz at April 1, 2003 09:55 PMpure genius. i almost wish i had telemarketers still calling me just so i could use that line.
Posted by: jenni at April 4, 2003 04:52 PMCongratulations, you!
My usual strategy is to try to sell something to the telemarketer instead. For example, we use Working Assets for long distance, a company which only invests the profits they make in green causes, and sends us coupons for free ben and jerrys every month; explaining that to the Sprint telemarketer tends to turn the tables. When the local newspaper calls and wants to sell us the daily paper on our doorstep, I explain that we live in a prep school dorm; we HAVE no doorstep, and no street address, so it just can't be done, we've tried before...but living in the dorm is great, and we're hiring...
Of course, my goal is to enjoy the conversation, and keep it relatively short. Your wonderfully accomplished goal -- the telemarketer hang-up -- was far nobler.
Posted by: boyhowdy at April 5, 2003 08:29 PM