Dear Proactiv Skin Care:
Your product works so well, I have been forced to begin picking my nose in lieu of having anything to pick on my face!
Thanks,
Hilatron
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Dear Garnier Nutrisse Hair Dye:
I thought you were kind of expensive, until I experienced the peachy-pink disappointment of Clairol Hydrience Intense �True� �Red.� Now I know you�re worth the two extra bucks.
I�ll Never Stray Again,
Hilatron
P.S. They weren�t kidding about the �Intense� part, though. Dayum.
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Dear Pilot V-700 Roller Gel Pens:
Oh my goodness, your pens are so nice. I mean they make me [CENSORED]. I almost [CENSORED] every time I bust one out. Mmmm baby.
I Think I Need A Cigarette,
Hilatron
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Dear Trader Joe�s,
I think it is safe to say that at $2.99 a bottle, your wine is sure to be the intoxicant of choice for winos and underemployed robots looking for cheap thrills.
All That and Not Even Hung Over,
Hilatron
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Dear Baker�s Shoes,
Although I am sad to see them go, I am frankly astonished that your knockoff of an Aldo shoe which was, in and of itself, a knockoff of some high-fashion trend of the season, has lasted for three whole years before completely self-destructing. I mean, realistically, I gave them a few months at most. But you really went above and beyond my low expectations! Keep up the good work!
Yours,
Hilatron