Blogatron

Who's the Daddy?

Today�s braineater post made me want to describe this idea I have. I really think I have missed my calling, and ought to think about being a television producer. Just look what I came up with!

I propose that the Maury Povich Show abandon the "talk show" format altogether, my reason being that Maury has already given up on the principles of the classic talk show: 1) allowing people to talk; 2) pretending to care about the guests; and 3) pretending to help them at the end of the show in any way whatsoever.

Maury, you see, is already beyond the talk show. His particular brand of naked, soulless, grasping evil would really be better suited to that black hole of ethics, the game show. I have created a show concept perfect for Maury.

The Maury game show would be called: Who's the Daddy? The actual content of Who's the Daddy? would be very similar to the Maury Show today. New mothers, and those who stand accused of being the babydaddy, would be the contestants. The denouement would of course be the revelation of the DNA test results, ascertaining whether Mom is, indeed, correct, or whether she must go start shrilly haranguing some other sullen, pimply schlub about "responsibility" and formula money. The show would be broken up into three parts, each one allowing the contestants to accumulate prizes:

1) Everybody Fronts
In which Mom and the Accused take turns explaining to the audience why they are the injured party. Since they are really just guessing at this point, the presentation is all about showmanship. Moms can assert that the Accused is the Daddy based on evidence like �the baby looks just like him,� �I was only with the other guy(s) one time,� and �he has a mole � just like his daddy!� The Accused can redirect with concepts such as �I am ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT SURE that that�s not my kid,� �Please, that girl�s a ho! Everyone in town has had a piece of that,� and �I�ve been with hundreds of other women and none of them got pregnant.� The winner of this round is decided by an audience vote on who made their case more convincingly. Factors to consider are sassiness, the judicious use of catch phrases such as �You think you a man? You ain�t no man!� and volume and repetition. If Mom wins this round, she receives a year�s supply of Pampers; if the Accused wins, a subscription to Maxim.

2) Battle of the Grandmothers
There�s no sense in jettisoning elements of the Maury Show that are guaranteed to provide quality entertainment. Thus, I propose that Who's the Daddy? institute one of the more successful portions of the Maury paternity festival: the moms of the two contestants battling it out. In this segment, the two grandmas meet in the Ring of Blind Familial Loyalty and choose their weapons: high-volume shrieking, character assassination, or fisticuffs. They go three rounds, and whichever grandmother wins takes the prize on behalf of her child. If Mom�s mom takes the prize, she is awarded a years� worth of unlicensed day care service. The Accused�s mom has the chance to win her son a $2,000 gift certificate to Abercrombie & Fitch.

3) The Test Results
The climax of our show, and the moment that determines the session�s winner, is the test results. At this point, the Mom settles down on the Pedestal of Injured Womanhood, and the Dad retires to the Chamber of Is He a Man or Ain�t He? The centerpiece of the show descends from the ceiling: a huge digitally animated portrait of the contested baby, which through the magic of technology delivers the verdict: �My Daddy is�� a) �[the Accused�s name!]� or b) �NOT [the Accused�s name!]�

The finale depends on the outcome of the test results. If the Mom wins, that is, if the Accused proves to indeed be the Daddy, then she ascends to the Pinnacle of Motherhood Vindicated, and takes the grand prize of free family medical care until the child reaches the age of eighteen. If she loses, she descends to the Ho Pit and is given the opportunity to come back at a later date and try again, if she can name another contestant.

If the Accused proves innocent, he does a lap around �Oh Yeah!� Lane, and is set free with his grand prize of an all-expenses-paid weekend getaway with the former Shipmates contestant of his choice. If he loses, he arrives at the Portal of Masculine Prerogative, where he, unlike the Mom in Maury's little game, has a choice. He can take the High Road, trade in his previous, single-guy prizes in exchange for a lifetime membership at Price Club, and join the Mom at the Pinnacle. Or, he can take the Road of Biological Advantage, keep his previous winnings, and leave with his Certificate of Playerhood.

And that�s our game, folks! Unfortunately, since Who's the Daddy? would be sponsored by baby product companies, Maury would have to abandon his custom of gently reminding guests and audience alike that, although it's perfectly ok to sleep with as many people as you like, MAYBE, once in a while, in the midst of SLEEPING WITH PEOPLE YOU BARELY KNOW, who could very well be RIDDLED WITH DISEASE, making the ten-minute trip to the pharmacy to BUY SOME DAMN CONDOMS might prevent you from having to endure awkward situations such as these! Oh - wait! Maury never touches on the subject of personal responsibility at all, not even once during the entire cavalcade of poor impulse control! Never mind then! Carry on!

Posted by hilatron at February 5, 2003 08:41 PM