As we learned on Friday, winter holds little for me to balance out the myriad inconveniences. The bulky outerwear that becomes a whole other (floppy, inconsiderate) person when you go to the movies or try to cram onto public transportation. The being cold, then hot, then cold again until you just don't know what's comfortable at all anymore. The slithering and sliding and wobble-teeter-splatting all over the place, because Some People can't get it together to shovel their damn sidewalks. The complications to my beauty routine.
You may have gathered that I am not much of a style maven, but still, I like to adhere to some standards. For example, I like for my skin to stay on, rather than to crack and fall off in big hunks. The Hellraiser look is so out these days. Alas, my skin is not responding well to the recent frigid air. So not well that twice-daily lotionings are barely enough to keep me all of a piece. By "lotionings," I of course mean "the application of so thick and heavy a coat of moisturizer that clothing becomes overly lubricated and slides right off, and hugging becomes an Extreme! Sport." Yet still, my skin makes with the cracking and the scaling. If Palmer's Cocoa Butter cannot save me, what hope is there?
There is also the issue of hair. I like to look as little like a red-haired white girl version of Don King as possible. In normal, humane, non-winter conditions, a touch of gel and a bit of a blowdry are all that is required to create my signature look, known in fashionable circles as the "Not Too Bad." In the dry, crackly depths of winter, things go somewhat differently. I offer you a step-by-step recreation of my winter hair care routine:
1) Look in mirror.
2) Compose imaginary review of bedhead if bedhead were modern art piece entitled "I Slept on My Left Side: The Static/Grease Dialogues." Give bedhead an 'A' for 'Asymmetrical.'
3) Shampoo static/grease away. Condition.
4) Towel hair.
5) Apply dollop of gel.
6) Blow-dry hair.
7) "Why hello, cat. My, aren't you interested in my bathroom activities. It's kind of creepy."
8) Pet cat.
9) ...
10) Regain consciousness.
11) Disengage cat from ceiling tile, where he was embedded by static burst. Watch out for the sparks!
12) Look in mirror.
13) Compose imaginary review of hairdo if hairdo were country western song entitled "Going Back To the Old Haystack."
14) Perhaps a touch more gel.
15) Look in mirror.
16) Compose imaginary review of new hairdo if new hairdo were nonfiction bestseller entitled "Hilatron's Head and Other Alternative Sources of Oil in the 21st Century."
17) Blow-dry hair again in a misguided attempt to "dry out" the gel and achieve that natural look.
18) Repeat steps 7-18 until something resembling human hair is acheived, or until workday has already begun.
19) Don outerwear, including hat that will render all hairstyling attempts futile with its combination of squashing and, at some point on the walk to work, causing head to sweat as I traverse the snowdrifts and slush puddles.
20) Remove hat and brush hair, after warning co-workers to take cover in case the resulting static makes all the light bulbs explode like that one time.
I am afraid I am just not cut out for this winter thing. Not only can I not take part in winter "fun" due to my lack of coordination/masochistic tendencies, I must also face the fact that I serve little decorative purpose during the cold season. Nobody likes to hang out in the ski lodge with a raw, peeling snow bunny who can power a small appliance with her coiffure.
Posted by hilatron at February 2, 2003 02:30 PMDear Hilatron -
We have to look beyond mere "products" - cocoa butter has had its chance! Instead, we must find you a nice moderate climate to keep your parts running smoothly, or start working on a portable/wearable climate controlled box that we can wear outdoors - like you are a priceless work of art that occasionally needs groceries. I can see no other way. Can Billi Rubin devote some of his platform to these scientific advancements?
Dear Captain-
I find your idea for some sort of portable climate control unit interesting. The challenges of building a unit that would allow for movement and flexibility, yet protect the wearer, are certainly enticing. This would also be an excellent application for my recent forays into the notion of kinetically-powered appliances - the unit could thus be run on the movement of its wearer. Thank you for this opportunity! I will keep you posted on my progress.
