Blogatron

Your Headlines for Tonight: Crap, Cynical Crap, and Meaningless Crap

Do you watch the TV news? I, usually, do not. One reason for this is that the news of today makes me feel a little more like hiding in the closet, wearing a gas mask and holding a sign which reads "I am not a subversive" than I like to. The other reason, um...

The Trash Trinity of UPN, Fox, and The WB all broadcast their news at 10pm. Occasionally, the television will get left on at the end of whatever program I've been watching, and I'll catch the start of the broadcast. This is a bad idea, as it brings out the crazy old hermit tendencies which I normally hide so very, very well: talking to myself, talking to the TV, throwing things, slapping my forehead, wondering what the world is coming to. Perhaps a rundown of the typical first 15 minutes of a typical broadcast will help demonstrate why:

Headline story: "What's On Fire?"
So titled because it has a catchy ring, and there is usually at least one building on fire for every program, but really any kind of local disaster will do: car accident, tennis court collapse, gas explosion (especially if there is a resulting fire!), etc. Important features of this story are: solemn recitations of the numbers of dead, injured and rendered homeless; on-the-scene interviews with hysterical locals; and action graphics circa 1994 detailing the nature of the horrific mishap.

Story #2: "Gruesome Crimes of Today, as Well as Further Details, Preferably as Specific as Possible, On Gruesome Crimes of Yesterday"
Sleepy little New England is not known for violence, at least compared to places like New York and D.C. But what we lack in quantity, we make up for in quality. All that Puritan repression may reduce the overall number of murders, but those that occur have a certain flair that New York, with its shootings and robberies, just can't touch. Instead of these humdrum crimes, New England provides its news team with the opportunity to cover hammer bludgeonings, missing farmers buried under piles of sawdust, and dominatrixes chopping heart attack victims up into pieces. Really, you can hardly blame news producers for being a bit excited to dish it out at the top of the hour. You can, however, blame them for the undisguised glee with which they provide all the details they can get hold of, and their enthusiasm for repeating and expanding upon these descriptions at every opportunity. You guys. Everyone knows about the deal with the dominatrix. You don't need to call her "the beautiful dominatrix, held by the police on charges of CHOPPING ONE OF HER CLIENTS UP INTO LITTLE PIECES AFTER HE HAD A HEART ATTACK IN HER SO-CALLED 'DUNGEON' APARTMENT!!!!!!" especially five times in the same story.

Story #3: "Holy Shit, There's Weather!"
This is the point in our evening at which the news broadcast turns from exploitation of serious subjects, like dying or being on fire, to the glamorization of relatively trivial concerns. We are, after all, in New England, people. You know - the region which coined the phrase, "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes?" You'd think everyone would be pretty blase about the weather at this point, but judging by HS,TW!, the news teams have not gotten the message. It's not a weather report, but a segment in which the weather person and the anchors talk about whatever weather is going on at the moment as though that kind of weather has never, ever, happened before. So, during winter, we get: "Goodness me, is it cold out or what? This wasn't like this before, was it? Oh my! It's snowing! Does this mean we will all die?!?" etc. Then the "human interest" angle must be brought into the mess. This is where some poor field reporter gets to walk around and ask people how they are handling the Terribly! Scary! And! Shocking! Weather! and they say things like "Uh...I wear a coat?"

This is usually the point at which I turn the TV off by banging my head against the power button. What puts me in this state is not necessarily the bloodthirsty quality of the stories; I expect nothing better from our media, who, with a nation on the brink of embarking on Operation Blow the Entire Rest of the World the Hell Up, choose to focus instead on anything that can be made into the next "Law and Order" ripped-from-the-headlines shocker. Nor is it the assumption that we are all as dumb as turkeys, running around all "Wha-wha-what? What is coming from the sky? What do I do? Help!" I mean, I paid to go see Dude, Where's My Car? in the theater. Can I really expect to be treated better?

No, what gets me is that it's just so damn tacky. I mean, you'd think they could pull it off a little better if they do it every night. Get some writers who can gloss over your blatant disregard for the actual human beings touched by the tragedies you cover. Edit things in such a way that the sound bites from the victims' families seem less exploitative. Write some better damn patter for the weather guy, because he sure can't handle it on his own.

Have a little pride, News People. If you're determined, as you seem to be, to continue putting on a sham of a newscast, at least try to make it a good one. The American public may be as complacent, reactionary, ignorant, and callous as you believe, but one thing we are experts on is separating the amateurish bullshit from the slick, well-produced bullshit. And dammit, only the best bullshit will do for the population of the world's leading superpower. Now get out there and make us some crappy, inconsequential, totally irrelevant to our lives, but well-produced, news!

Posted by hilatron at January 28, 2003 03:12 PM