I think it would be pretty cool to be in the Guinness Book of World Records. Sure, I might not be as dedicated as some people, but I'm not going to pretend that I didn't once embark on a quest to build the world's longest staple chain.* However, that ambition came to an abrupt end when a certain temp job turned permanent, thus removing structured 8-hour slots of unparalleled boredom,** and unlimited office supplies, from my life forever. How quickly the dreams of youth are abandoned at the promise of health insurance.
Still, though, I'm a fan. I love the yearly editions, dense with facts, most of them utterly trivial. I love the strange conglomeration of accomplishments that have been deemed worthy of note. Big food. Ridiculous endurance tests. Overgrown crafts projects.
One thing about the Guinness Book haunts me, though. I have a not-entirely-unjustified fear that, should I ever find my name gracing its hallowed pages, it will be in a horrible Monkey's Paw sort of way.
I have a hiccup problem.
I get the hiccups all the time. I get the hiccups from hunger, stress, or a single sip of soda. Or from being thirsty. Or too cold. I get them for no reason. Once, I got them in my sleep. Often, I get them multiple times in one day. I don't even know what can be wrong with you to make you hiccup-prone - sensitive diaphragm muscle? - but baby, I've got it.
And none of the traditional hiccup cures work for me. A spoonful of sugar just feeds 'em. Holding my breath - nope. Sudden loud noises make me nervous, and hiccupy. The only thing that has ever saved me is the following cure, handed down by my grandfather. Equipment: a glass of water, and a straw. You need the straw, you see, because you have to drink the water while plugging your ears with your fingers. It looks silly, but I'll do anything to make them go away, because every time I get the hiccups, fear surfaces in the back of my mind: this time, I think, they won't stop, and I'll surpass Charles Osborne.
I quote from the Guinness Book of World Records, 1993 Paperback Edition:
The longest recorded atteck of hiccupping was that which afflicted Charles Osborne (1894-1991) of Anthon, IA, who had hiccupped continuously for 69 years 5 months, since 1922. He began hiccupping when he was slaughtering a hog and was unable to find a cure, but led a reasonably normal life in which he had two wives and fathered eight children. He hiccupped every 1 1/2 seconds until a morning in February 1990. He died on 1 May 1991.
Oh. my. god. 69 years. How did he survive? How could you adapt? Think about it; you could never go to a movie again; you'd get lynched. Not a meal would pass without some sort of digestive trauma. How do you sleep? And what do you do if you need to go on a job interview?
Then again, forget about the guy. Because the guy had a wife. Two wives! That means someone married him after the hiccups started! A lifetime of listening to the hiccups! "Sleeping" alongside the hiccups! Eating, gardening, grocery shopping next to the hiccups! I'll tell you one thing, if I were married to that guy, he'd never have seen '91.
So, in order to avoid leaving Fate a horrible loophole, I have given up my wish for Guinness immortality. It's too risky. The quality of life for the chronic hiccupper is just too grim. Frankly, I think there should be some sort of foundation set up even for people like me, the Often-Hiccupped. The Heavily Hiccupped. Our lives are difficult! We need some consciousness-raising. We need science to work on a cure. We need sick time for bad hiccup days. We need posters, and a public service announcement. We need preprinted signs reading, "I don't mean to be rude, but it's best if I don't talk to you, because if I open my mouth and take a breath to speak, a strange seal-like bark might emerge instead of words." We need to rid ourselves of the harmful stereotype that uncontrollable hiccups signify drunken stupidity. Down with your moral judgments! Innocent people get hiccups too!
I want to see a positive hiccupping character on network television next season, or I'm organizing and marching. Who's with me?
*It's not a category yet, so the field was wide open. I figured if I could get up to some impressive fraction of a mile, they would consider it. P.S.: If you steal my idea, I will cut you.
**Seriously. Remind me to tell you about that sometime. You may think you've been bored, or seen the depths of corporate despair, but trust me. You haven't.
Posted by hilatron at January 23, 2003 06:43 PM
"This sounds like a job for VectorGirl!"
...She promises to put her best scientific thought on the project at once!
sounds like we should start dating... where have u been all my life , Hillie?
Posted by: : P ogo at March 19, 2003 08:19 PMHil-
I sympathize. My g/f gets hiccups frequently and there is nothing she can do to stop them. She told me the longest she ever had them was an entire afternoon. And the worst time she ever had them was all morning at work while she had to answer the phone. I'm always trying to help her and I'd be happy to try to help you as well. If you want to talk about finding help for both of you, just e-mail me G0ODOLBOY@aol.com (the first "O" is a zero).
I look forward to helping :-)
Keith
My Friends and I are on a quest to build the longest staple chain ever.
P.S. We now have a chain that is 17Feet three forth inches
Oh my god! that is so funny, but at the same time its soooooo not. I get the hiccups all the frickin time too, its sucks so much, my friends all call me bounce or hiccups and stuff like that, its completely ridiculous. Hey Hilatron, do you get hiccups every day? I DO!!! like a couple times a day, freakin 5 or 10 minutes of them a couple times a day, oh, and as for the hiccuping during a job interview...... count me in, ive actually done that. But hey, here's no a positive image for hiccup sufferers cos i actually got the job!!! Do you actually try to get rid of ure hiccups or do u just kinda let them loose? I always try to stop mine, and nothing ever works!!!! So now ive kinda just given up and accepted my disease of hiccups :(
Posted by: Rhiana at October 9, 2003 07:21 AMWOW! I heard about his story on ripleys believe it or not. I got the hiccups today in school and it was so embarassing! And i'm a worrier, so i always thing they'll never go away either. My friend told me to eat a teaspoon of sugar but i haven't tried it yet. So try it- see if it works!
Posted by: Jenny at December 3, 2003 09:13 PMJust wanted to say Hi. I was browsing the internet for a new blog I was adding to my page about Charles Osborne. He was my Grandpa. I knew him very well and spent his last 2 summers taking care of him with my mom while I was home from college. You were pretty close, his digestive system was nasty. I believe that he could have been in the Guiness Book twice. The 2nd time for puking. I fear ever having the hiccups. It was fun, however, taking him to the movie "Young Guns II". How many people can say they took their 97 year old grandfather to that movie in the theatre. He knew every make and model of gun that appeared on that big screen. He loved the popcorn at the movie theatre. He also continued to eat popcorn everyday for the remainder of his days. When you live to be 98, you can eat whatever the hell you want!
Posted by: foofersmith at February 9, 2004 01:55 AMJust wanted to say Hi. I was browsing the internet for a new blog I was adding to my page about Charles Osborne. He was my Grandpa. I knew him very well and spent his last 2 summers taking care of him with my mom while I was home from college. You were pretty close, his digestive system was nasty. I believe that he could have been in the Guiness Book twice. The 2nd time for puking. I fear ever having the hiccups. It was fun, however, taking him to the movie "Young Guns II". How many people can say they took their 97 year old grandfather to that movie in the theatre. He knew every make and model of gun that appeared on that big screen. He loved the popcorn at the movie theatre. He also continued to eat popcorn everyday for the remainder of his days. When you live to be 98, you can eat whatever the hell you want!
Posted by: f.smith at February 9, 2004 01:58 AMI actually stumbled across this site after searching for reasons behind frequent hiccuping. I pretty much have your case. If I eat, I get them, if I don't I get them. I drink, or don't drink...I get them. There has not been a day in years that I haven't hiccuped at least once. I have no idea what it's from, but I tell you, it never fails to make everyone laugh. They laugh at my pain, but at least something good comes out of it. I still have yet to find a reason behind the constant hiccups...but hopefully one day my question will be answered. Good luck with everything.
Posted by: sarah at March 23, 2004 04:27 PMi feel sorry for u, man, but dun worry, i'm one of these hicuppy people too. once my friend jumped in front of me and i got such a huge shock i hicupped for 15 minutes!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Mitchell at March 24, 2004 05:12 AM
how funny! i was sitting here surfing the web when i started to hiccup. after about 10 minutes i started to think of the guiness world record holder for hiccups so i would stop feeling sorry for myself. 69 1/2 years??? I'm glad he was able to go to a movie before he died.
Anyway - my boyfriend got so sick of listening to me hic away he went and got me water. I drank it upside down and it worked!! I grab the glass, lean forward and and put my lips on the back of the glass and pour backward. (tipping the cup away from you) All of this while you are completely bent over. It is the only thing that works for my violent hiccups.
Posted by: *winks* at April 18, 2004 02:46 AM