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Rejected New Year?s Resolutions

I do not know what my New Year?s resolution is going to be, if any. I can?t find one that seems right: meaningful, not too scary or unlikely, not dependent on the vagaries of chance. Here are some of the resolution ideas I?ve rejected so far.

I will stop checking my site stats every 15 minutes as though they meant something. Rejected because life is hard enough without setting myself up for failure.

I will eat healthier/sleep more regularly/exercise more. These were all rejected due to a growing belief that one should not make changes in one?s approach to life?s fundamentals (sleep, food, movement) out of a sense of obligation, but from the natural joy that they provide. Feeling better should feel good. Making oneself feel bad in order to feel better is contradictory and wrong.

I will watch all those movies I?ve been meaning to watch. There?s not enough time in the world. I?m not even sure there?s enough time to make up the list.

I will decide on a ?career path.? The problem here is that I?ve made this ?decision? several times already, and it always ends up mutating into something else. The fact is, I do not have a calling. I could, and might, do any number of things. Why bother committing?

I will give up caffeine. Riiiiight. Look. I don?t have many vices. I need one or two to keep my good and evil sides balanced properly. So take your grave concern and your scientific data and leave me alone on my twitchy trembly roller coaster ride, mmmkay?

I will have less stuff. This is always a hot contender, given that my apartment resembles a storage locker more than a place where people might live and, occasionally, need to move around. Sometimes I long for a serene, blank-walled space, with no visual stimuli or piles of junk begging to be tidied up. However, the fact of the matter is that I like stuff and it ain?t gonna change. And even if I went through the pain of discarding all the neato stuff I have now, I would acquire more to take its place without even meaning to. There?s just something about me. It?s as though orphaned tchotckes can tell that with me, they have found a safe haven. I think that I will choose self-acceptance over a lifetime of struggling to resist these wandering gimcracks and thingamabobs. Come unto me, ye brightly colored and/or shiny things! Here there is sanctuary!

I will fulfill my barely articulate desire to be the gliding, well-dressed, soft-spoken, bills-paid-on-time, ready to face stress and strife with a smooth brow and a steady hand, never being a big grumpy late out-of-sorts meanie-pants, best that I can be Hilatron. Rejected because sometimes, just not being smelly or itchy is all that I can manage for a particular day.

I will stop wasting money on [pick one of the following]: snacks, when there is perfectly good food at home, young lady; novelty shoes; beauty products which I will use only once; thrift store dresses; compilation CDs. Oh, no, I won?t.

I will still be alive in 2004. This is tempting given my somewhat morbid tendencies, but doesn?t it seem like tempting Fate a bit? Mightn?t Fate be all, ?Look at this chick, thinking she?ll be all flippant and overly literal with her ?staying alive? resolution, I?ll show her?? and then, whammo! I don?t think we?ll risk it, thanks.

You know what? The hell with it. For 2003 I resolve to change not at all. Or a little bit. Or a lot. Or however much and in whatever way seems to be appropriate in the upcoming months. I resolve to stay on my toes and make no promises to nobody ? that includes you. Yeah, you, with the diaper and the top hat. Who gives their word to a drunk baby anyway?

Posted by hilatron at December 30, 2002 09:41 PM