Blogatron

How To Be A Customer

During the course of my time on Earth, I have spent a certain amount of time being someone who provides customer service of one kind or another, mostly in the form of standing behind a counter and fetching things for people and helping the people to pay for the things. Being on the dealing-with-customers end of transactions has taught me a number of things about how to be a good customer. Most of these things were learned using a method similar to the concept of negative space: I learned what to do by seeing innumerable permutations of what not to do. It seems to me that many a human must have had similar experiences, and yet, I am consistently amazed by how few seem to have actually learned anything. If you are one of the unschooled, I present you with the following tips and techniques to help you be a customer.

Lesson One: Basic Transactions

Here, we will cover the ground rules for engaging in a simple financial transaction. The steps are really quite simple:

1) Are you really done? I mean, really, for real? I know it?s confusing, sometimes, when you?re in a store, but usually all those other people around you are other customers waiting to be served. It can cause distress when you allow half your items to be rung up and then decide to look at a few other things. You may be using your time in the manner which pleases you best, but you are also taking liberties with the time of others, something a wise customer avoids.

2) If you have twelve dollars and twelve dollars only, please do not rely on your friendly neighborhood cashier as a personal calculator and make with the ?Okay, put that back. Okay, put that back,? etc. Likewise, do not assume that you can accurately gauge how much an unmarked item will cost. Remember how hard ?The Price is Right? was? It?s easy to avoid the dreaded void key with some simple arithmetic, or the following question: ?Could you tell me how much this is??

3) Keep busy. No one likes a slouchabout. One way to keep occupied while your goods are scanned or rung in is to stand, slackjawed, staring into space. Another is to chat on your cell phone. These are, of course, superfun activities, but allow me to suggest an extra-neat thing you can do during this uncertain time: you can prepare your method of payment. Remember, just picking the stuff out does not end your job as a customer. You must also present tender in order to become its rightful owner. Even if you act surprised every single time we get to the part where I say ?That?ll be $14.75, please,? you?re still going to have to cough it up. Why make the moment more painful with that awkward pause as you dig through your voluminous handbag?

4) Kindly move along. We are happy to serve you. We are also required to be happy to serve the person behind you. It?s difficult to do so, however, when you stand staunchly before us, organizing the pennies in your change purse by year.

Lesson Two: Interactions

Pleasant interactions can make life so much more enjoyable, don?t you agree? Some tips for making your engagements with servers oh so much nicer:

1) Let?s do a visualization. Look at the person who is going to be helping you. Fix their image in your mind. Now, close your eyes. Imagine that this person has a name, a family, a life and a personality all their own. Perhaps they like to bowl, or hate radishes. Mayhap their favorite color is green. Have you got it now? Yes! That is a Real Live Person. If you can remember this lesson while engaging in your transaction, it should be simple to interact with them on a polite and friendly level.

2) Gaze into my eyes. Well, no need to make like Svengali or anything, but the occasional glance tells me that you know I exist. It?s very reassuring. Many sales counters lack mirrors, so there?s no way to check that one hasn?t turned invisible.

3) Don?t be afraid to speak. Say you wish, for example, to attend a film. You could do this: walk up to the counter and silently thrust a ten-dollar bill towards the person behind the register. That?s being a customer, technically, but it?s got no pizzaz. Instead, try walking up to the register, bill in hand, and saying ?I?d like one ticket to Blockbuster of the Month, please!? Now that?s being a good customer! Likewise, make with the please and thank you. Remember what your mom said ? they?re free, unlike anything else you?re likely to find in a place of commerce.

Lesson Three: A Brief Exploration of Retail Management

Sometimes, a glimpse behind the scenes can broaden our understanding of how things work. Join me as I reveal some retail secrets that may just make you a better customer!

1) Generally speaking, if someone is performing a task such as folding sweaters, dusting shelves, or scanning the tag on your DVD, it can be assumed that that person is not a policy-maker. It?s confusing, I know. You see this person going around, touching all the stuff and poking around in the cash drawer like ? well, like they own the joint. But in these modern times, it?s highly unlikely that the person you?re dealing with in a store has anything to do with, say, setting prices, or deciding that, yes, when the sale circular says that an offer ends on Tuesday, it can?t be used on Thursday, even if you did lose it under your couch until Wednesday. In fact, chances are that no matter how long and loud you yell about how four dollars for popcorn is highway robbery, the person you?re yelling at doesn?t even have the power to give you a discount, much as they might like to make you shut up and go away ? er, make you a satisfied customer. If you must complain, save everyone?s time and ask to see the manager, who will say, ?Yes, I hear you? and give you a coupon. That?s what managers are for.

2) There is a reason for everything that happens in a place of business. That reason is called: profit. That is the reason why things cost money. That is the reason why stores are not staffed with a salesperson for each customer, necessitating that you wait in lines sometimes. That is why stores close at a certain time, even if you show up five minutes before that time. We swear. It?s nothing personal.

3) Just about anyone can get a retail job. Most people are not particularly good at it, and those who are possess a peculiar and highly valued talent, but there is a great enough need for this type of worker that that doesn?t really matter. Therefore, if you start feeling huffy, it is unwise to make with the veiled threats about job security, because ha! It is to laugh. There is another job down the street, or somewhere.

4) The top favorite thing to do during down time in retail is to hate the management. The second favorite thing to do is to hate the customers. Sometimes, this order is reversed. It?s just a hobby. The best revenge is to be a model customer, thus robbing the cashier of titillating consumer horror stories for the next slow Tuesday afternoon.

I hope that this journey through the world of customer-hood has proved informative. Good luck with your future transactions!

Posted by hilatron at December 7, 2002 11:30 PM