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Meditations Whilst Gardening

Note on the title: you can?t make fun of me for saying ?whilst,? because gardening makes you technically British. It?s a known fact. So pbbbbft.

1:30pm: I think I shall do some gardening! Lah dee tah!
1:32pm: Hmmmm. The patio seems to have gone to seed a wee bit since fall started. Still, I?ll clean this up right quick and plant these bulbs and be done in a couple of hours, no problem.
1:47pm: Worm Startle #1.*
1:56pm: Aiieeee! A w?hey, wait a minute, that?s not a worm, it?s a newt. Awww, cute!
2:08pm: What the?oh. Ew. Um, sorry, Newt.
2:15pm: Wow. Three trash bags full of dead wet leaves, and not a single tree hangs over our patio. The wonder of nature! Ah well, now for the weeding.
2:23pm: Worm Startle #2.
2:28pm: ?Inch by inch, row by row??
2:38pm: Hey, these weeds are all part of one giant root system. Wow, lookit the size of that root I just pulled up. Cool!
2:42pm: Must. pull. giant. root?oof! Ow. Must not pull with entire body weight, due to the tendency to flail and fall over backwards when root breaks.
2:46pm: All the roots seem to lead back to that ?dead? stump in the middle of our garden. It is their leader! And I think it might be looking at me?
2:51pm: If I put myself between the stump and the weeds, maybe it won?t notice me uprooting its children.
3:04pm: Allllll right! Weeding done. Now time for the planting! Actually, first, a snack. Then planting. Must keep one?s strength up?
3:25pm: Back to work. I?m gonna knock this planting out in no time!
3:26pm: Worm Startle #3. [For ease of typing and reading, just insert a Worm Startle every five minutes or so from here on out.]
3:35pm: Ow. Gardening hurts.
3:41pm: Damn root. I hate you, Evil Hivemind Stump Creature!
3:57pm: My goodness, lots of rocks in this part of the garden?
4:08om: And this part, too?
4:11pm: Stupid stupid rocks! And roots!
4:13pm: WHAT is THAT? Okay, whatever that thing is, is it Good for Gardens? I sure hope not, because I would like to smash it please. Blech!
4:29pm: Getting a bit dark out. Perhaps it?s time to knock off for the day, and I?ll plant the borders tomorrow. Plus, ow, I hurt.
4:31pm: Or perhaps not, since it is supposed to SNOW tomorrow. Stupid, stupid weather!
4:35pm: Okay, all I have to do is plant the borders and I?m outta here. Nooo problem. Except that I?m out here alone, in the dark, with the Stump Demon.
4:51pm: Is that part of a shoe? That is part of a shoe. The hell? I am going to be so pissed if I find a body in here, because then police will come and mess up my house and?dig up my bulbs! Okay, look, if there is a body in here, it?s staying here, unless it?s a little girl in a white nightgown, in which case we are just going to move. Plus, I can just see the cops now: "So...you were gardening when you found the corpse, then. In the dark. A likely story indeed. I'm afraid you're going to have to come with us and answer a few questions, Miss..."
4:59pm: Did the stump just move? I think it moved.
5:13pm: I am fairly certain that somewhere, farmers are laughing at me.
5:24pm: Ow. Ow, ow, ow, also, cold and dirty.
5:45pm: Done! Woohoo! Now, to haul 500 pounds of rocks, leaves and dead wildlife to the dumpster, and shower off all this mud, and wait six months to see if all my efforts paid off. Yay!
11:00am, next day: Good morn ? ow! Ow! Ow!

*The Worm Startle goes as follows: the caveman part of the brain sees a worm and sends out the ?Aieee, a slimy squirmy thing! Eww, gross, run and hide!? signal through the system. Then the modern part of the brain chimes in and says, ?Oh, quit being a baby, it?s just a tiny little harmless worm. Plus, you?re gardening, stupid, and worms are good for gardens! I learned it in elementary school!? and then the caveman brain looks all sheepish and goes off to hit something and use up the adrenaline it generated. Back