Blogatron

Blogatron's Promotion Plan

It has come to my attention that the Blogatron is not receiving the millions of fans and intense, almost frightening adulation which is surely its due. Now, it?s certain that if I could just bring my beloved blog to the attention of the general public, these elements would follow without fail. However, there are a few constraints on publicity. For example, the current maximum advertising budget for such a venture consists of three nickels and a ball of aluminum foil. Also, my letters to the paper and attempts to get one of those guest editorial slots at the local news channel have gone unheeded. Thus, as usual, I am forced to take matters into my own hands. Fortunately, I have a brilliant solution! I will fill this entry with scathing and inflammatory statements on hot-button issues, sure to raise the heart rates and the ire of Googlers everywhere, no matter what their political or personal leanings, and they will arrive at my site posthaste only to find themselves soothed into compliant fandom by my scintillating prose. Here we go!

Politics
Democrats are weenies!
Republicans suck!
Left-wing America-bashing self-hating communist pansy-ass no good traitor!
Right-wing war-mongering fascist racist intolerant bloodthirsty fiend!
The Bill of Rights is in danger!
Quit being an alarmist, the Bill of Rights is fine ? I can still buy a gun, can?t I?
Blowing things up is bad!
Blowing things up is good, as long as they deserve it!

Crime
Crime is really bad and we need more police and prisons and longer sentences so I can sleep in my cozy suburban home and not worry that some scumbag is going to steal my SUV/kill my children/kidnap my wife/break my windows!
Crime is not as bad as you think and could be prevented by a better educational system and more prison reform!
Revoke the death penalty!
Execute more criminals, that?ll show ?em!

Media
The damn left-wing liberal media!
The damn right-wing conservative media!

Recreation
I don?t want my kid to turn into a stupid unmotivated ?dude?-saying pothead, so if I have to take medical marijuana away from some little old lady with glaucoma to prevent that, so be it!
Legalize marijuana now so I can buy perfectly rolled, farm-grown joints at $6 a pack from Marlboro!

Entertainment
You?re restricting my freedom of speech by trying to ban ?Topless Death Match III!?
You?re restricting my freedom of speech by suppressing my right to disapprove of ?Topless Death Match III!?

Economy
Big corporations are stealing from and poisoning the individual American, socialism now!
You?re just jealous. You know, maybe if you worked hard, you could have a slice of the pie, but no, you just want to sit around griping about corporate America ? well, mind your own business and get a job and you?d better like it, health insurance or no!

Environment
Ozone layer, emissions, extinctions, global warming, pollution, overpopulation - we?re all gonna die!
Dude, chill. They?re just natural climactic variations!

Miscellaneous
You?re an idiot!
That ideological structure is for losers!
Ad hominem!
Agenda!
Fallacy!
Pbbbbt!
I hate you!
Go to hell!
No, you?re going to hell, heathen!

And, just to be on the safe side
Fresh young teenage babes supple breasts whipped cream transistor all fours ooh yeah hot monkey love spank tricycle swing splay lip thrust panties panties panties!

Please note that the opinions expressed above are not necessarily those held by this blog. That?s for me to know and you to find out, you goddamn Republican Israel/Palestine prayer in schools leftist agenda arranged marriage gay rights stud, you. Used panties cheap!

Special thanks to Josh for the idea, however it may have warped along the way.

Special thanks to Tree for the phrase "panties panties panties."

Posted by hilatron at November 12, 2002 11:36 PM