1) No amount of disillusionment or public humiliation will ever stop me from buying those "As Seen on TV!" products.
2) "I'll get up early and do it in the morning?" ha!
3) No matter how many times I force myself to write, "Bette Davis, finishing up a week-long crack binge by doing 90mph the wrong way down the turnpike in a convertible on a humid day" on the blackboard, that little voice will still be able to convince me that this time, trimming my own bangs will work out.
4) Hitting the wall will hurt me more than it hurts the wall.
4a) Accidentally stepping on the cat will also, somehow, hurt me more than it hurts the cat. Just you wait.
5) The candy all looks good in the store, but after chomping one's way through an entire two-hour movie, the tummy will regret it and the complexion will have its revenge.
6) Whatever the box covers may promise, movies like Microwave Massacre and The Toolbox Murders are unlikely to be as exciting as they should be.
7) No, that size-four, only-one-left, on-sale-for-nine-dollars shirt will not "stretch out after I wear it a few times."
8) My wonderfully snarky attitude and witty retorts will not, in fact, show that one really mean clerk at Walgreen's the error of her ways. Nor will excessive politeness, gentle adoration, or a hissyfit. It's nothing personal.
9) "I'll just play computer Mah Jong until I win a game" is the equivalent of announcing that one only intends to use heroin until one accidentally purchases a bag of something that is not, in fact, heroin, but a magical substance which cures addiction, melts away cellulite, brightens the skin and improves the memory.
10) I do not know Kung Fu, nor am I likely to just pick it up from the movies.
11) Yes, the inside of the oven is hot when you lean over to check the cookies. Yes, just like last time. But oh, well, at least I'll save time, what with not having to pluck my eyebrows this month.
12) There continues to not be a time warp on Aspinwall Avenue which allows me to leave home and arrive at work simultaneously.
13) It is pointless to try to resist the call of the crispy potato product.
14) I'm sorry, but I just can't help myself. I must, indeed, pick at it.
15) Despite the siren call of that other little voice, I am completely incapable of sleeping for "just a few minutes."
16) The cat will not learn to like it when I pick him up and hug him. Ever.
17) Just because I have the power to dress entirely in teal does not mean that I should use it.
18) There is such a thing as too many novelty lamps.
19) Likewise, my collection of dresses that somebody's mom is really embarrassed about having worn to the prom is probably more than adequate.
20) I am not "sticking it to the Man" by paying for the T all in nickels, giving a fake zip code at Radio Shack, or signing up imaginary people for offensively advertised dating services. These are just hobbies.
Posted by hilatron at October 11, 2002 11:31 PMAnd if you learned them, would you still be you? These little quirks may qualify you as an eccentric, but heck, who wants to be centric?
Posted by: fredf at October 16, 2002 05:57 PM