I have checked, and the moon is not full. Nor is it Friday the 13th; nor are there any warnings about mysterious chemicals in the Boston water supply. However, despite the lack of warning signs from the universe, there is clearly some bad phone mojo going around these parts.
Having experienced the wondrous level of indifference to accuracy exhibited by the staffers at Telephone Information, I can forgive the many people in the last few days who have mistaken us for something that we are not.
However, it seems that there are a number of people walking the earth who are rendered incoherent by the thought of communicating through such a high-tech device as the modern telephone. As the main phone-getter at my job, I find myself increasingly perplexed at the utter inability of otherwise competent humans to behave themselves when speaking into a mouthpiece. With this in mind, I present the following guidelines:
What to say first.
Good things to say are ?Hello,? ?Hi? and ?Howdy.?
Bad things to say are ?Yeah,? ?Give me [insert name here]? and ?Um??
If you are unclear about what to say, follow this rule: pretend that your goal is to convey to the person at the other end of the line that you believe they are, in fact, an autonomous individual rather than an animate answering machine. Then the subtle touches, like greetings, should come naturally.
Be prepared.
If you call to ask for a phone number, it?s a good idea to think for a moment about what this process will entail. That way, you can acquire the requisite equipment beforehand, instead of sending the person on the other end of the line into a coma while you search for a pen.
It?s also difficult for the person answering the phone to reach into your mind, extract your memory of a conversation you had two weeks ago, and divine the identity of the person you talked to. Rest assured that the helpful receptionist will try her best to get you in touch with the person you wish to speak to; however, any tsking, sighing or ?Can?t you just buzz everyone whose name sounds like ?Velma?? Jeeze!?ing during this process will only complicate matters.
Utilize your resources.
My workplace has an excellent voice mail system. Each and every employee has a mail box of his or her own, which he or she can check from any extension or from the comfort of home. It?s a wonder of modern technology. It?s also far more reliable than the old slip of paper on the desk method, since most of my co-workers are busy art teachers whose workstations double as cutting boards, filing cabinets, lunch tables, living collages, and, occasionally, chairs. Thus, though you may feel that by insisting on my personally taking a message, you are getting some kind of super-duper VIP service, you are actually getting the short end of the stick. Take a deep breath, trust me, and plunge headfirst into the 21st century. All will be well.
Follow the advice available on your local classic rock station.
To everything there is a season. And to every phone call there is a purpose. Please try to keep that in mind when engaged in conversation. If you would like a brochure, that?s all you have to say. There?s no need to tell me about the childhood events that led you to this particular place in your life. We like to send brochures. We?ll do it for no reason at all, really. If you need to communicate that you have a relative who?d be interested in joining our program, simply tell me that and give me your phone number. My knowledge of your niece?s favorite color, your family background, or the fact that she doesn?t like to do housework will assist me not at all in connecting you to the right person to answer your questions.
Patience, young Skywalker.
When I say, ?please hold,? I know it?s scary. What might I be doing? Am I really seeking out the person you want to speak to, or am I filing my nails? Picking my nose? Laughing at your syntax? Whatever it is, rest assured that when you hang up after ten seconds and call back, it only makes matters more difficult. No, being huffy will not induce me to conjure your desired contact up out of thin air. If I could do that, I?d be at home materializing piles of 100-dollar bills and watching ?Knots Landing? on cable. Since I depend on my continued employment in order to eat and such, rest assured that I will do my best to connect you to your quarry. However, telepathy being beyond my reach at the moment, you may have to wait a bit. It doesn?t hurt that much; I?ve survived a number of ?let-me-get-a-pens? already today.
Hello, may I - wait ? let me just ? I know you ? but ? AAAUGH!
I know there?s someone you need to speak to more than you need to speak to me. And I know that what I say to most of you is pretty rote. But, for the love of your own continued existence, please let me finish sentences. I can?t tell you how tired I get of greeting people with the following: ?[My workplace], may I h?? ~sputter~ A girl just likes to labor under the illusion that she is seen as a person, rather than a function. ?Hello! I am me, hear me roar! May I help you?? Ah, that felt good.
Here?s hoping that helped clear up any confusion you might have had about using the telephone. Good luck!
Posted by hilatron at October 2, 2002 10:43 PM