Hello, there. Since I'm currently tied up with writing The Sandwich Manifesto, to be published sometime in the future, I thought I'd provide you with this skit detailing my theory on how Ben Affleck and Sean Bailey pitched their new show, Push, Nevada, to executives at ABC.
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Exec: So, Ben, let me just tell you that I love your work. Love it. Loved, loved, loved Pearl Harbor. Really touching. And that Project Greenlight thing? Groundbreaking.
Ben: Thanks. Let me introduce my partner, Sean -
Exec: Yeah, so let's cut to the chase. You've got something for us?
Ben: Well, you see, it's going to be a contained mystery arc that will be solved in 13 episodes.*
Exec: You...what's your name?
Sean: Sean.
Exec: Sean, I thought he was an actor, what's with this doctoral thesis I'm getting here? (Laughter.) Sean, baby, can you break it down for me?
Sean: Okay. You remember "Twin Peaks?"
Exec: Oy, don't remind me. "Who Killed Laura Palmer?" Who cared? Who understood what was going on? Who watched after season one? Not me, that's for damn sure. What kind of weirdos could put up with that "I'm Bob!" "No, I'm Bob!" crap? I mean, come on. Do we want to have mainstream, accessible programming? Absolutely. Do we want to have dark and inaccessible programming? That's a resounding no. We've had shows that were well received critically but were not accessible for our audiences. We want to get out of that business. But that doesn't mean you can't be innovative.**
Sean and Ben: Er...
Sean: Okay. So, what we're going to do is, we're going to make a show that superficially resembles "Twin Peaks," right? Like, a geeky-cool hero, a weird town, lots of corruption, a sexy siren, strange goings-on, quirky characters. But here's the good part: we're going to lay all that over the framework of an utterly conventional mystery show.
Exec: Oooh, I like it! What's your take on this, Ben?
Ben: Oh, yeah, the characters will be developed in a really innovative space, where there's dissonance between the impulse towards the norm and the fascination of the Other - ***
Exec: Um, yeah. So, is that what you've got laid out, Sean?
Sean: It'll be great! The people will get to feel like they're watching something groundbreaking, without being threatened by a show that is, in fact, breaking ground. Oh, and also, there's a game tied into the show where people compete for a million-dollar prize.
Exec: I like it! Condescending to people without letting on that we think they're drooling half-wits, while at the same time getting them hooked with the elusive promise of a quick buck! So innovative, yet it feels so safe! So, more importantly, who's the hot chick?
Sean: Here's a photo.
Exec: Hmmm, she looks kinda peaked. Can she act sexy?
Sean: Well...she's got this kind of...ethereal thing going.
Ben: Oh, yes, very ethereal.
Exec: What the hell does that mean, boys? You're losing me.
Sean: Well...
Ben: Erm...
Sean: Here's the thing. She can't act so much. And she's not so much sexy as sorta...half-asleep sounding. But here's the thing...(SEAN whips out a large folder) ...our casting director did an extensive search, and she got the best market rating of any of the young starlets whose physical characteristics played well with our leading man, so...
Exec: Say no more! Leave the acting to the movie people, that's what I always say! No offense, Ben! (Laughter) So, it sounds like we've got ourselves a deal here. How about we celebrate with a little visit to the topless steakhouse down the street, whaddaya say? The girls there aren't like these bony television chicks, believe me. Titties out to here, my boys, titties out to here...
(They EXIT, laughing.)
*Actual quote from Ben Affleck.
**Actual quote from ABC executive.
**I made this one up because I'm mean.