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Games for Cats and People

Paranoid Dementia Races

Players: Two (2). One shall be the Cat and one shall be the Person.
Equipment: Six (6) legs total.
The Cat always begins play.

The Cat chooses a time when the Person is moving about the house, and begins play by crouching on the ground, laying his ears back, and following the Person's movements with deranged, lambent eyes. The Person should make no overt moves, but can add to the fun by pretending to be frightened and/or diabolically plotting the demise of the Cat.

After an appropriate interval, the Cat should charge directly at the Person as if to attack her/him, batting at the air near his/her legs, then veering to the side at the last possible second and retreating at a good clip to a safe haven. This location, however, should be accessible by the Person. Closets, atop refrigerators, and inside cupboards are considered out of bounds. It is desirable for the Cat to whack the Person with his tail on the way past, to signal full engagement. The Person shall then pivot and run towards the Cat, getting as close to him as possible without making contact. The Cat responds by galloping hell-bent to the other end of the house. Repeat as desired. Game play ends in one of three ways: 1.) When the Person stumbles over a box or piece of furniture and injures her/himself. 2.) When the Cat misjudges his distance and draws blood from the Person's lower extremities. 3.) When the Cat gets overinvolved in the Game and becomes alarmed, thus necessitating petting (please see "Love, Love, Hate" below for more on petting). In the first two cases, the Cat is the winner; the third scenario results in a draw.

Bug
Players: Two (2).
Equipment: 1 "bug" toy, a long piece of sturdy wire with cardboard bits attached to one end, which can be made to "fly" around the room.

The Cat or the Person can begin play. The Cat can claw at the carpet near the bug toy to signal his desire to play, or the Person can begin by batting the Cat about the head and belly with the toy. Play is of the standard chase-pounce-chew-escape-repeat variety. Some exciting variations are: Figure 8s, where the Cat is led in a series of dizzying patterns until he falls down; Kangaroo, where the Bug is dangled just out of reach of the Cat, tempting him to leap higher and higher, and the ever-popular Shit! Ow! Shit! where, during normal play, the bug is accidentally brought too close to the Person, resulting in collateral damage to her/his feet. Game play ends when the Person is distracted by e-mail, or when the Cat flops onto his side and adopts a "Surely you don't expect ME to have anything to do with THAT" expression. Whoever tires last is the winner.

Pushing the Envelope(aka: Goodbye, Security Deposit)
Players: Two-Three (2-3).
Equipment: Claws, carpeting, attitude.
The Cat always begins play.

The Cat chooses a spot within earshot of, but behind or around the corner from, the Person or Persons. The Cat then begins furiously scratching at the carpet. The Person(s) shout(s) "Murray! Stop that RIGHT NOW!" in threatening tones. The Cat should stop for an interval of 3-5 seconds, then scratch again. At this point, the Person(s) should yell again, this time rising from his/her/their seat(s) and making eye contact with the Cat. The Cat should adopt an air of injured innocence. The importance of successful playacting cannot be understated in this game; the goal is for all participants to truly believe that the Cat has no idea what all the fuss is about, but it can't possibly be about anything he might be doing, since he's just over here sniffing the door frame, thank you very much. This procedure can be repeated as many times as all parties wish. Play is normally ended, or at least postponed, by the sudden and forceful entry of one or more Person(s) into the Cat's personal space. Note that this is an excellent segue into Paranoid Dementia Races.

Love, Love, Hate
Players: Two.
Equipment: None needed.
Recommended supplies: Bandages, disinfectant.

The Cat normally begins play by flopping over onto the floor, rolling around in a ridiculously cute fashion, and looking adoringly at the Person. This will usually compel the Person to come over and pet the Cat. If not, the Cat can seal the deal by emitting plaintive and irresistible squeaks. After petting commences, the Cat should enjoy it for as long as he wishes. Variations on the standard head-to-tail back stroke include chin scratching, head rubbing, and belly petting. After some time has passed, the Cat should, suddenly and without warning, turn on the Person and claw at his/her defenseless hand. Recriminations then follow, during which the Cat should utilize the above-mentioned innocent air, perhaps followed by some washing. The Cat should note the importance of varying his reaction time from game to game, as unpredictability is key.

Screen Door? What Screen Door?
Players: One Cat and Spectators.
Equipment: One patio, one screen door.

Play is simple: the Cat can either be startled by something inside the house, like a vacuum cleaner or unsolicited petting, or intrigued by sounds from outside the house, like a train going by in a totally unique fashion unlike the other 119 trains that went by today. The Cat then bolts in the direction of the patio, forgetting that a mesh screen separates him from the outside world until his whiskers touch it, at which point the significant momentum generated by his run propels his lower half forward at the same time that his front half comes to a screeching halt, causing him to arch caterpillar-like and condense into a furry, confused and offended mass. Repeat endlessly.

Posted by hilatron at September 6, 2002 06:47 PM